When I was expecting my son, Tyler, I couldn’t fathom a time when he might break my heart. How could that perfect little being, dancing around inside me, ever cause me pain? This tiny miracle had already expanded my heart in ways I never knew possible. I could sense the warmth of his spirit forming within me.
Fast forward seven years, and I hear the words that make my heart crumble. “Mommy, I want to live with Dad.”
It’s been two weeks, the longest stretch I’ve ever been away from him. I feel an emptiness that echoes in my soul. Every moment of my day is tinted with thoughts about what Tyler would enjoy or dislike. Each morning, I see our dog waiting by his door, and I wish I could curl up next to her, hoping for his return. I gently tap her nose. I miss him too, pup.
I’ve been eagerly looking forward to our scheduled phone call. As the time draws near, I feel like a teenager anticipating a call from a crush. When his voice lights up the line, I feel a mix of joy and heartbreak. He’s having a blast—swimming, playing baseball, and indulging in sugary cereals. But then, his next words hit me like a punch to the gut.
Yet, can I really blame him? Our life is filled with routines, school, and healthy meals. His time with his Dad is an adventure of water parks, Disney trips, and treats. Although we share fun moments too, they blend into the everyday fabric of life for a seven-year-old, unlike the bright highlights of his visits with his Dad.
I understand, but knowing this doesn’t ease the pain. I feel like I’ve lost this “divorce” battle. I never aimed for our separation to turn into a competition. Deep down, I thought that once the wounds healed, we’d embrace a happier existence and co-parent with kindness.
I envisioned a scenario where we’d emerge from the shadows of a troubled marriage, each having found love again, and unite as a supportive family for Tyler. How fortunate he would be, surrounded by love and guidance!
But that hasn’t materialized. Instead, every visit ends with accusations thrown my way, collected by my ex to use against me “in court.” I’m left feeling exposed and defensive.
“Tyler says you never pay attention to him.” “You don’t send him with cool clothes.” “He doesn’t have the right haircut.” “Tyler doesn’t walk on the lines on the sidewalk, and that’s a sign of neglect.” “He says you lock him in the closet during timeouts.”
It’s maddening! I want to scream, jump on a plane to Arizona, and bring my son back for a heart-to-heart. I want to defend myself, to dig up all the dirt my ex has about me. Trust me, there’s plenty. You can’t go through the intimacy of a marriage and divorce without a treasure trove of secrets. I want my own list too!
Equally, I feel the urge to confront him directly and have a genuine conversation. Doesn’t he realize how absurd this situation is? I want to ask Tyler if he truly said those things. But then again, I can’t be sure if he really did.
In the end, I don’t crave conflict. What I desire is forgiveness. When you lay down your arms and open your heart, the person attacking you comes off looking irrational. When you choose not to engage in battle—or even defend yourself—against someone hurling accusations, the only option left is to forgive.
Larry, I forgive you for trying to turn my son against me. I forgive you for your list of perceived faults. Thank you for loving our son and providing him joy during his visits. I realize it must have been hard when I left, and I can see the hurt beneath the resentment. I apologize for not loving you enough to stay. I loved Tyler enough to leave, as he deserves the best versions of both of us. When we were together, he saw me defeated and sad, and you, distant and bitter. Ultimately, love and forgiveness will triumph for me, even amidst the pain.
This article reflects the raw emotions and complexities of navigating divorce and co-parenting. If you’re looking for more insights on these topics, check out one of our other posts here. For those considering at-home insemination, I recommend visiting Make a Mom for reliable syringe kits. For a comprehensive understanding of infertility and pregnancy, Women’s Health is an excellent resource.
Summary
The emotional turmoil of divorce can often manifest in unexpected ways, especially when children are involved. This poignant reflection explores the heartbreak of a mother navigating the complexities of co-parenting and the desire for forgiveness amidst the pain.
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