I began to embrace my identity as an introvert in my mid-30s. Prior to that, I simply accepted various labels that family and friends used to describe me: timid, reserved, or even unfriendly. I often found myself struggling to keep pace with my outgoing partner and our lively circle of friends. I endured countless nights of salsa dancing in packed clubs, felt overwhelmed during dinner parties, and have even drifted off to sleep in dimly lit jazz lounges—suffocated by the pressure to socialize.
Discovering that my feelings were tied to my inherent personality traits was a relief. I’m not a chronic party pooper; I’m just wired differently!
One of the biggest challenges of being an introvert is the need to maintain a social facade for extended periods. I require time to mentally gear up for events. Once I know the specifics—who will be there, what’s the agenda, and when it will end—I can unwind and enjoy myself. However, societal norms often prevent us from asking certain questions, making life as an introvert particularly tough at times.
Here are some questions introverts would love to pose if they could:
What time can I escape?
(Alternatives include: When does this end? How long do I have to stay? Can I take my own car?) Every introvert knows that one friend (mine is Alex) who pours a final drink just as you’re about to leave. This friend then takes their sweet time finishing it while you mentally shoot daggers at them. There’s also that other acquaintance who insists you stay a few minutes longer. These situations make attending parties stressful. If I know the end time in advance and we can stick to it, I’ll actually enjoy myself more (I might even suggest extending our stay!). Although I appreciate the offer to crash at someone’s place after a late night, I would rather drive home at midnight—through a storm, on a motorcycle, while blindfolded—than spend the night at anyone’s house.
Who else will be there?
(Also: Can it be just us?) Nothing irks an introvert more than showing up for a one-on-one lunch, only to discover an unexpected guest has joined. I once ended a friendship because every time we planned a get-together, it morphed into a group affair. Be clear with your invites. If you’re asking me over for dinner, I’m assuming it’s a private gathering. If it’s a dinner party, please let me know. These two scenarios demand entirely different emotional preparations.
Can you promise to keep me from standing alone?
(In other words: You won’t introduce me to your boss’s wife and then leave, right?) Small talk is the bane of introverts! I’ve even faked phone calls while taking out the trash, just to avoid awkward chit-chat with neighbors. When I’m at a loss for words, I tend to ramble and overshare, creating discomfort for everyone involved.
Would it be possible to text instead?
(Or: Why? Why? Why?) Introverts need to be in the right mindset for lengthy phone calls, and callers usually want to chat endlessly. If I don’t pick up, don’t tell me to call you back. Instead, send a brief text outlining what you need to discuss so I can decide if it’s a good time. I tend to internalize serious topics and want to provide thoughtful advice, so chatting about a heavy issue while I’m busy with a car full of kids or on a date isn’t beneficial for either of us. I promise I’ll return your call when I can give my full attention. If it’s something simple, remember that it takes the same effort to text “Please call me” as it does to ask, “What’s Jen’s number?”—and you’ll likely get a quicker response.
If you’re not an introvert, these questions might seem trivial. However, anyone who identifies as one or cares for an introvert understands where I’m coming from. As one clever T-shirt puts it: “Introverts Unite: We’re here, we’re uncomfortable, and we want to go home.”
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In summary, being an introvert comes with its unique challenges, especially in social settings. Understanding these nuances can help create a more comfortable environment for introverts, allowing everyone to enjoy gatherings without unnecessary stress.
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