When the topic of messy rooms and bathrooms arises among parents, I’m often taken aback by the frequent suggestion: just shut the door and ignore it. Many parents proudly state they allow their tweens and teens to keep their personal spaces however they please. Whether it’s dirty laundry piled high, schoolwork scattered everywhere, or even a suspicious slice of leftover pizza lurking under the bed, they feel it’s the child’s domain and thus their responsibility. They believe their kids will eventually learn to manage their messes, and as parents, they feel the need to “pick their battles.” I totally understand that sentiment—parenting is draining in every sense, and it’s natural to prioritize what seems more urgent. While parents acknowledge the stress their kids’ clutter causes, they simply choose to close the door and avoid the chaos.
On the surface, this approach seems reasonable. I didn’t explicitly teach my kids how to tie their shoes; they figured it out with a little help from their friends. I don’t constantly nag them about the state of their rooms either. However, I will never allow my children’s rooms to reach the point where I feel compelled to shut the door on the mess. Call me strict, but I expect my kids to maintain a tidy living space most of the time—especially my son.
The primary reason I insist on a certain level of cleanliness is that my son will one day be a partner to someone else. I want to challenge the stereotype that men can’t see or clean up after themselves. I refuse to let my exhaustion as a parent lead to my son’s future partner feeling frustrated because it’s evident he wasn’t taught how to maintain a clean space. Many women in heterosexual relationships have likely encountered the frustration of partners who weren’t raised to help out around the house. Unfortunately, many boys grow into men without learning basic household management skills.
It’s crucial to point out that my conversations with other parents about messy rooms aren’t aimed solely at boys. All kids can turn their spaces into a disaster zone. However, as they transition into adulthood and particularly in heterosexual marriages, the burden of household chores often falls disproportionately on women. Even in dual-income households, statistics show that women still handle the majority of housework and childcare responsibilities.
I don’t want either of my children, regardless of gender, to struggle with the basics of cleaning. Sure, they could look it up online, just as I taught myself to change a ceiling fan through YouTube. But maintaining a clean space isn’t just a skill you learn; it’s a habit you develop over time. If I want both my kids to cultivate this habit, I can’t simply shut the door on their messes.
This means I need to supervise, encourage, and implement logical consequences when they don’t meet their responsibilities. Reminding my kids to tidy up their rooms has become as routine as reminding them to brush their teeth, shower, or complete their homework. I’m not suggesting that parents should just yell at their kids to clean up and expect results. For some, the process of cleaning isn’t intuitive; they need guidance, often multiple times. My son falls into this category—he requires frequent reminders. Meanwhile, my 10-year-old daughter naturally keeps her room tidy without any nudging. My 14-year-old son, however, could easily live in a pigsty as long as he has Wi-Fi and tends to feel overwhelmed by cleaning tasks.
Over time, I’ve taught him various methods for tidying up. I’ve joined him in making his bed, dusting surfaces, sorting toys into “keep,” “donate,” and “discard” piles, and helping him remove outgrown clothes from his closet. Now, my simple directive is, “No gaming until your room is clean.”
I also make sure both kids clean up after others. They help with family laundry, wash dishes, vacuum shared spaces, and clean windows. This shared responsibility is part of living in a home with others, and I want my kids—especially my son—to learn this early rather than later from a frustrated partner who may resent him for being lazy.
Clearly, I have strong feelings about this topic. I’ve read too many statistics and heard countless complaints from women about husbands who were never taught to pitch in. This might be something I need to address in therapy, or maybe it’s a broader issue that all parents should consider. I want my son to be viewed as a partner who contributes, not as someone who perpetuates negative stereotypes about men and housework. I want him to build the habit of keeping a reasonably clean space now, so his future partner can find him annoying for other reasons that don’t involve his lack of contribution.
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Summary:
In this article, Jamie Taylor explores the importance of instilling good cleaning habits in children rather than ignoring their messy spaces. She reflects on the implications of allowing children to embrace chaos, particularly for boys, who may carry these habits into adulthood. By taking an active role in teaching her kids about cleanliness and shared responsibilities, she hopes to prevent future partners from facing frustration over household chores.