Updated: May 14, 2020
Originally Published: Aug. 6, 2015
Navigating the world as a child therapist can be incredibly challenging. While I hear the heart-wrenching experiences of children daily, the true struggle often strikes a personal chord.
As parents, we are frequently exposed to judgment, and it’s tough to keep those feelings at bay. Well-meaning friends, family, and even partners love to offer their unsolicited advice. “Shouldn’t you be doing it this way?” “Is that really the best approach?” “Does he need another snack?” Each of these comments feels like arrows aimed straight at my parenting confidence, my professional credibility, and my overall self-worth. The pressure can be overwhelming.
Perfection is an impossible goal, but the expectations can feel relentless. If you’re a chef, people anticipate a delicious meal. If you’re a child therapist, society expects you to raise exemplary children. As a young mother and child therapist, I diligently absorbed the societal definition of “good parenting,” and soon found myself drowning in a sea of expectations. The mental checklist started forming even before my baby was born:
- Natural childbirth
- Epidural
- Breastfeeding or not
- Co-sleeping versus sleep training
- Early or late potty training
- And the list goes on…
As my child matured, the dos and don’ts multiplied. These included avoiding gluten, limiting screen time, and even debates over how to acknowledge a child’s achievements. Then came the labels: attachment parenting, helicopter parenting, free-range parenting—what on earth was my parenting style? This conundrum was more complicated than any coursework I’d tackled in graduate school. Could I simply reset my life and start over?
I often listen to parents criticize themselves during therapy sessions. They express feelings of inadequacy, saying things like:
- “She’s still sleeping with me; I know that’s not right.”
- “He watches too much TV; I should be limiting it.”
- “I shouldn’t praise too much; I know that’s discouraged.”
I, too, fell into the trap of self-doubt, burdening myself with guilt and creating a mental list of things I shouldn’t do. For instance, I would tell my child she was beautiful, worrying I was teaching her that her worth was only skin-deep. Or I’d praise my kids for their accomplishments, fearing it was insincere. I would feel horrified when I considered that my children had access to iPads, as if I were damaging their developing minds.
Yet, as time passed, I grew less concerned with adhering to every conflicting rule. By the time my third child arrived, I was questioning why I felt guilty for simply complimenting my kids. Reflecting on my own childhood, I often think about how I survived. My mom drove us around in a station wagon without seat belts, we roamed freely until dark, and meals were often hastily prepared in front of the TV. Honestly, I sometimes went days without a shower!
Comparing my past to my present, I realized that I’m doing much better than I thought. My kids bathe more frequently and I manage to cook dinner several nights a week—sometimes even pancakes for breakfast!
When parents seek my help, I don’t judge them. Instead, I embrace their unique parenting styles and offer support tailored to their beliefs. Isn’t it time we extend the same compassion to ourselves? Parenting shouldn’t feel like a high-stakes popularity contest. I have enough on my plate with sleepless nights and the challenges of keeping little ones alive. I’m ready to set down my guilt and embrace the journey.
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Summary
This article reflects on the challenges of being a child therapist and a parent, highlighting the relentless societal pressures and expectations surrounding parenting. It emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and understanding, while encouraging parents to support each other rather than judge. The author shares personal experiences and insights, ultimately advocating for a more compassionate view of parenting.
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