For years, my children have debated over who holds my affection more. One moment, my daughter believes she’s the favorite, and the next, my son is sulking because he thinks I love his sister more. I always reassure them: my love for them is equal. I recognize their unique strengths, but in matters of the heart, they both share it completely.
So, when they approached me one sunny afternoon during quarantine, after playing in the backyard while I worked on my computer just a few feet away, I expected the usual requests for snacks or screen time. Instead, they hit me with a statement that struck deep: “You love your computer more than you love us.”
Ouch.
I turned away from my screen, which was cluttered with documents and tabs, and assured them that my love for them surpassed any attachment to my computer. “But you’re always on it,” they countered. “You’re not playing with us. You’re always working.”
That hurt. Another painful jab at my mom guilt.
I told them they meant the world to me and that my love for them was unparalleled. Unsurprisingly, they quickly shifted the conversation to snack requests and screen time. As they went back inside, I sat there, staring at my now-darkened laptop screen.
I know I don’t love my computer more than my children; however, it might feel that way to them. Before the pandemic struck, my writing was predominantly done during school hours. My computer time usually coincided with their activities at school. But now, with quarantine and homeschooling, my work hours have shifted to when they’re done with their schoolwork.
Instead of engaging in their activities and sharing in their lives, I find myself telling them to play while I focus on my screen. It’s an unavoidable aspect of our current situation. With my already full to-do list, I’ve had to add “homeschool the kids” to the mix.
To be honest, I’ve also thrown myself into my work. I’ve taken on extra freelance projects, increasing my workload. But it’s not because I love my computer more; it’s because immersing myself in work allows me a break from the relentless demands of motherhood. At least, it used to feel that way.
With no partner to tag in, I’m solely responsible for everything. There’s no one to step in during those tough days when homeschooling leaves us all on edge. It’s just me and two kids navigating a pandemic.
My children are struggling with their schooling, like countless kids across the nation. They miss their friends, sports, and the normalcy of life. They require not just the usual support, but more than ever during this challenging time. They need me to be fully present as a mom.
However, I can’t wear the “mom” hat continuously, especially in a pandemic where our world feels so constricted. The weight of that responsibility can become overwhelming. Yet, removing that hat, especially when everything feels so uncertain, seems like the wrong thing to do.
So, I’ve been oscillating between my “mom” role and my “writer” identity. I tell myself that there’s no guilt in switching to my writing hat. My kids understand that I need to work, and perhaps it’s beneficial for them to see me pursuing my writing goals. It might instill a work ethic in them, or so I hoped.
But the words, “you love your computer more than you love us,” echoed in my thoughts for days. Clearly, in my efforts to juggle both roles, I made a misstep. Instead of switching hats, I should have been open with my children about needing time to unwind—whether with my computer or a book. I could have taught them the importance of simply being, rather than always doing.
So, I decided to set my “writer” hat aside, leaving my “mom” hat where it belonged, and joined my kids with their snacks and screen time. Or perhaps my children are more clever than I realized, knowing just what to say to get my attention.
Maybe both interpretations hold some truth.
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In summary, the struggle of balancing work and motherhood during these unprecedented times can lead to feelings of guilt and misunderstanding. It’s essential to communicate with our children and find moments of connection amidst the chaos.