As the reality of the pandemic sank in, I felt a weight of dread in my stomach, heavy and suffocating. That feeling has lingered, affecting my sleep, memory, energy, and even my appetite. This dread is multifaceted—it’s not just fear; it’s also anger and frustration, a sense of losing my balance and forward motion.
Yet, amidst this turmoil, I recognize that I am fundamentally okay. I understand that, in comparison to many, I have a lot to be thankful for.
However, discussing “comparison” has become somewhat controversial. Influential figures like Jamie Lee and Alex Brown, whom I admire greatly, have urged us not to measure our struggles against those of others. I’ve noticed this sentiment echoed in many conversations, where people assert, “This isn’t a suffering competition!”
The prevailing thought is that comparing our struggles might lead to shaming ourselves for our feelings, even when they are completely valid. We all have the right to feel pain, to grieve, and to experience the full range of human emotions.
I fully agree that self-shaming is not the answer, and I acknowledge that the majority of psychologists advise against comparing suffering. However, I believe that drawing comparisons can sometimes help us gain perspective and lift ourselves out of emotional valleys.
The Concept of Downward Comparison
The concept of “downward comparison” emerged in the 1980s, suggesting that individuals often compare their social status to those who are worse off to feel better about their own circumstances. While this theory has faced criticism for overlooking various nuances like accessibility and opportunity, it can be a useful tool for those of us who have certain privileges.
To clarify: there are times when downward comparison may not apply because someone’s circumstances are genuinely dire. For those individuals, suggesting “it could be worse” can feel dismissive. However, for those of us with privilege, it’s often true that our situations are not the worst, and recognizing that can foster a more positive mindset.
My Experience During COVID-19
Reflecting on my own experience during COVID-19, I’ve endured tough days filled with anxiety and moments when I struggled to get out of bed. I’ve had days where a shower was less about cleanliness and more about finding a private space to cry. That persistent dread still clings to me like a weight.
Financially, I am self-employed and rely on multiple income streams, some of which were cut off by the pandemic. My partner is far away, making it unclear when we’ll reunite, and my children’s education is uncertain, with mixed responses to safety in my community. There was a time when I could anticipate what the next month might bring—now, everything feels unpredictable, and many possible outcomes are not ones I look forward to.
Yes, I could wallow in sadness; sometimes, I want to. Yet, I choose to compare. Despite the panic attacks and difficult days, I am fortunate to be both physically and mentally well. I have access to healthcare and don’t rely on medications that could become scarce. This perspective helps me to acknowledge my luck and continue moving forward.
While I have faced income loss, I still have some financial resources. Many have lost everything, and recognizing my situation helps me appreciate what I have. I may not know the future, but I have a support system that ensures my family won’t go hungry, regardless of financial challenges.
My partner’s absence is tough, but I think of military families separated for long periods or those who maintain relationships across time zones. The challenges we face now are not insurmountable; they could be so much worse. Similarly, while I worry about my children’s schooling, many kids globally had no education even before the pandemic. We have choices and resources, and we are privileged.
Fostering Gratitude
These reflections are not meant to imply superiority but to foster gratitude. The term “downward comparison” feels off to me, as it suggests arrogance. The intent should be about gaining perspective and gratitude rather than feeling better than others.
When the dread weighs me down, comparing my situation to those facing greater struggles helps me find relief and encourages me to reach out and support others. It’s essential to acknowledge that feeling sad or grieving is natural, but it’s equally beneficial to gain perspective from those who are suffering more.
Conclusion
In summary, while it’s important to validate our feelings, comparing our suffering can provide a valuable perspective, allowing us to appreciate our circumstances while motivating us to help others in greater need.
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