Despite my best efforts to adhere to every recommended guideline, the fear of contracting COVID-19 looms large. When I say I’m “taking all the precautions,” I mean that my children have not set foot in public spaces for over two months, and it’s been more than a month since I’ve ventured out. My partner, who has to leave home for work, is also designated as our shopper. The grocery store is the sole place he visits outside of work. He sanitizes the cart handle with alcohol, carries hand sanitizer, and dons a multi-layered homemade mask. He even removes his glasses to avoid touching his face.
When we occasionally order takeout, we opt for no-contact delivery and make sure to tip generously. I transfer the food to our own plates, dispose of packaging in an outdoor bin, and thoroughly clean the surface before we eat. I even leave packages outside for a day and sanitize them before opening.
We haven’t hosted any visitors. Even when my father and stepfather dropped off essential items, they waited outside while my children spoke to them from the windows. It was a tearful moment as my kids showed them their toys and pictures through the screen. We haven’t stepped foot in anyone’s home, nor have our kids played outside with other neighborhood children. My social interactions have solely been through Zoom, and I even learned to cut my husband’s hair during this time.
Despite my careful measures, my anxiety about contracting the virus remains. I must admit that I have an anxiety disorder, which is generally manageable, but it does amplify my fears in this context. However, my fear is rational; it’s entirely natural to be apprehensive about a new illness that has emerged in such a short time. We still have much to learn about COVID-19, and its effects can be unpredictable and severe for many.
I genuinely hope that if my family contracts the virus, we will be fortunate enough to experience only mild symptoms and recover at home. I recognize this is a possible outcome, but I’m also aware of the many other, scarier possibilities.
While I do fear the potential of losing my life or a loved one, my greatest concern lies in how my family would cope if I became seriously ill. The thought of being isolated in an ICU for weeks terrifies me. My partner, who is serving in the military, would still have his responsibilities even if I were hospitalized. I can’t imagine who would step in to care for my children during that time. I don’t have anyone in my life who could take on that role.
As the primary caregiver, I am deeply intertwined with my family’s daily life. My husband loves our children dearly and would care for them, but he doesn’t know their routines and needs as intimately as I do. My four-year-old, who has asthma, relies on me to notice early signs of illness. If he were to get sick while I was gone, would anyone else recognize the need for immediate treatment? My four-month-old, who is breastfed, would lose our nursing relationship, which would be heartbreaking for both of us. My seven-year-old would be anxious and worried if I were hospitalized, and I fear for the emotional toll it would take on him.
My husband is wonderful, but it’s not the same as having me there. I just want to protect my family from all of this.
I could go on, but the reality is that even if many recover without lasting effects, dealing with COVID-19 is not something I want to face right now. Until we have reliable treatments or a vaccine, my anxiety will persist. That’s why I continue to take every precaution possible. I’m choosing to stay home a bit longer, even if it means missing out on seeing loved ones. My children and I are staying put, despite feeling cabin fever setting in.
I’m doing all that I can, and I just hope it will be enough. If you’re interested in more on this topic, check out this related post on managing anxiety during uncertain times here.
Summary:
In this reflection, Jenna Brooks shares her intense fears about contracting COVID-19 despite taking all recommended precautions. She highlights the emotional toll of potential illness on her family and expresses a desire for safety until better treatments or vaccines are available. Jenna’s experience sheds light on the anxiety many face during the pandemic, emphasizing the importance of protective measures for families.