In my life, I have found an unprecedented level of happiness. This isn’t just a fleeting moment of joy; rather, it’s a profound sense of fulfillment. Even on my most challenging days, I experience a deep peace regarding the essential aspects of my life.
This newfound joy feels particularly significant, especially considering how my year began with a series of daunting obstacles. The initial months felt like I was gasping for air, constantly recovering from one setback only to be hit by another. My health, my children, my relationships, and my family all seemed to be in turmoil. It was a classic case of “when it rains, it pours.”
Yet, as if a shift in the wind occurred, things began to change. Slowly but surely, each area of my life that had struggled started to mend. Over several months, I watched in astonishment as everything fell into place as if by magic. What I initially perceived as loss or hopelessness was merely a precursor to something greater. In the midst of my suffering, I failed to recognize my own growth.
Life isn’t flawless, and it never will be. Each day presents its own set of challenges, accompanied by tears, fears, and struggles. But overall, I find myself genuinely content—perhaps the happiest I’ve ever been.
My family, marriage, home, and career are all stable. For the first time in ages, I see that everything I desire is either within my grasp or already mine. When I take a moment to reflect, I notice a landscape filled with peace and opportunities, devoid of immediate, significant obstacles.
So, why does the thought of it all collapsing terrify me? I struggle with the fear that I shouldn’t allow myself to embrace this happiness, convinced that I don’t deserve it.
This realization has been disappointing. How can I view myself through such a negative lens? I dedicate much of my time promoting self-love, particularly regarding body image and fat positivity. I’ve invested effort into reshaping how I perceive myself and have made significant strides in embracing my body. While I still grapple with insecurities, I am better equipped to combat them.
I no longer waste energy on a mental checklist of my body’s perceived imperfections. The pursuit of physical perfection, dictated by media and societal expectations, is no longer my goal, and that liberation feels fantastic.
I once considered my negative body image my greatest source of self-doubt. I mistakenly believed that once I gained a better grip on my body image, I’d overcome my insecurities. However, I’ve come to realize that while improving my self-perception is valuable, I still have much work to do in recognizing my worthiness of good things.
A persistent voice in my head insists that only extraordinary individuals deserve a life as fulfilling as mine. It questions my self-worth and asks who I think I am to enjoy such peace and happiness.
And yet, I do believe I am extraordinary. Embracing this notion doesn’t negate humility; rather, it can coexist with it. However, acknowledging my exceptional qualities often brings guilt, and I can’t quite pinpoint why.
Perhaps this stems from my upbringing, where modesty was heavily emphasized, particularly for women. Maybe my experiences in a larger body have rooted deeper insecurities than I realized. Or perhaps I’m simply an ordinary person struggling to accept my good fortune.
I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Sometimes, it feels as though every positive aspect of my life should belong to someone else. Yet, I recognize how fortunate I am to have this life—my husband, my children, my family, my chaotic home, my career, and my friends. Each of these elements is a gift that life has bestowed upon me.
It’s okay not to fully understand why good things have come my way. I don’t want to lose sight of the fact that much of my happiness stems from privilege and luck. However, I also want to recognize that I have worked hard for this life. My marriage thrives because we have invested in it. My children are growing because I have nurtured and taught them kindness. I love my home because I take care of it. I have strong friendships because I strive to be a good friend. I have my job because I’ve proven to be reliable.
Some of my happiness is mine to claim. Acknowledging this won’t erase my fear of it all potentially crumbling. Yet, I aim to shift my mindset from one of impending doom to one of appreciation for the good in my life. Sometimes, things are simply good, and even if I can’t always see the reasons why, I deserve to enjoy it.
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In summary, I have discovered a profound happiness that often feels overwhelming. Despite the fear that it might all vanish, I recognize the importance of embracing the good in my life. Acknowledging my worthiness is a journey I continue to navigate.