I got married in my early 20s, completely unaware of the complexities that relationships entail. At that time, I also didn’t recognize how tough I was on myself and others. We all carry emotional baggage from our childhoods and past relationships, whether we realize it or not. I certainly didn’t.
I had many aspirations for my marriage, and I expected a lot from my partner. Mistakes were made on both sides; that’s simply part of being married. However, instead of growing together and accepting one another, we took each other for granted, saying things that left deep emotional wounds.
After my divorce, I dated a few men, but as soon as the initial excitement faded or they started requiring more from me, I would retreat. Initially, I convinced myself that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship—which was partially true—but the deeper truth was that I had unresolved issues to address. Now, I’m ready to face them.
Statistics show that 67% of second marriages end in divorce. While I don’t feel the need for traditional markers of commitment, like vows or rings, I genuinely wish to find enduring love. After hearing a woman share her experience of a successful second marriage, I became determined not to fall into the same pitfall. I realized that to change my fate, I needed to control what I could, leading me to reflect on my past relationship and compile a list of mistakes I would avoid in the future. Just one week after making this list, I met someone I genuinely love, and I’ve had to actively practice these lessons since then:
- I will communicate my needs clearly. Expecting my ex-husband to intuitively understand my feelings was a major flaw. I used to think he should know when I was having a bad day or what I wanted for dinner without me saying a word. Now, I understand that I need to express my desires directly.
- I will take charge of my own happiness. Relying on another person for my emotional well-being created unnecessary pressure. After feeling isolated, I learned that my happiness is my responsibility. I will focus on nurturing my own joy and bringing that positivity into any relationship.
- I will maintain financial independence. It’s crucial to stand on my own two feet. I will earn my own money and make financial decisions as a team with my partner, ensuring that I’m never in a vulnerable position if things go awry.
- I will not withhold affection. In my previous marriage, I often punished my partner by denying simple gestures of love when I was upset. I now recognize that withholding affection can cause irreparable damage.
- I will avoid jumping to conclusions. I often assumed the worst intentions behind my ex’s actions. Instead of reacting, I will ask questions to clarify misunderstandings rather than making assumptions.
- I will be mindful of my language. I didn’t realize how hurtful my words could be during conflicts. I would occasionally suggest separation in anger, thinking he understood my hyperbole, which he didn’t. I will choose my words carefully, understanding their potential impact.
While I’m not claiming to be perfect, I recognize these patterns I’ve engaged in since my teenage years, and I’m ready to change them to cultivate the relationship I want and deserve.
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Summary
After reflecting on my past marriage, I’ve identified six critical lessons that will guide me in my future relationships. From communicating my needs to being mindful of my language, I’m committed to breaking old patterns to ensure a healthier and happier connection.