As a parent of three children, each with their own unique traits, I’ve spent over a decade working with neurodiverse youth. This experience has taught me valuable lessons about effective communication and discipline strategies for children.
Frequently, I encounter parents expressing frustration with phrases like:
- “Don’t touch that.”
- “Stop.”
- “Quit it.”
- “Don’t do that!”
My immediate response is often, “What exactly should they avoid touching? What should they stop?” This is where a more effective approach becomes clear.
Adults are adept at grasping opposites. For instance, up is the opposite of down, and hot contrasts with cold. However, young children, especially those with neurodiversity, struggle with this cognitive processing. It’s often developmentally inappropriate to expect them to interpret vague commands. For example, the instruction “Don’t stand up” might easily translate to “Stay seated” for an adult, but for a child, it requires several cognitive steps that can be overwhelming.
When faced with a vague command like “Stop that,” children are left to guess which behavior needs to be halted. Are they supposed to stop eating? Twirling their hair? Humming? The ambiguity can lead to confusion and frustration for both the child and the parent.
A more constructive approach is to clearly articulate the desired behavior rather than focusing on what not to do. Here are some examples:
- If my child is hitting because it’s become amusing, I say, “Use gentle hands, please.”
- If one is yelling indoors, I might say, “Let’s use our inside voices, or you can go outside to shout.”
- When I see my oldest about to pounce on their sibling, I remind them, “Make good choices, please.”
This method not only clarifies expectations but also reduces the likelihood of triggering a fight-or-flight response that can inhibit problem-solving. When children know precisely what is expected of them, they can respond more effectively.
It’s essential to note that I advocate for telling rather than asking. Phrasing a request as a question, like “Can you use gentle hands?” opens the door for a “no” response. Instead, delivering a clear directive helps establish authority and clarity.
By shifting our approach from vague commands to explicit requests, we can communicate more effectively with children, whether neurotypical or neurodiverse. This seemingly small adjustment can lead to significant improvements in behavior and understanding.
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In summary, the key to effective communication with children lies in providing clear, positive instructions rather than vague prohibitions. This strategy can foster better behavior and understanding, paving the way for more harmonious interactions.