When I was expecting my first child, I often envisioned how seamlessly my kids would take my advice. I imagined addressing their concerns with a calm demeanor, providing thoughtful alternatives, and watching them eagerly seek my guidance as they entered their teenage years. How naïve that seems now!
While I have a wonderful bond with my two kids, the reality of parenting has revealed that my dreams of perfectly receptive children were just that—dreams. My children, like all young individuals, have their own thoughts, opinions, and desires. Despite my best efforts to share wisdom, they are determined to assert their independence. In fact, the more I try to direct them, the more they push back.
Initiate Conversations with Just Two Words
To adapt to this reality, I’ve recently adopted a different approach when discussing decisions with my teens: I often begin conversations with “I wonder…” This concept was inspired by an article I read by LCSW Jason B. Hobbs, who emphasizes in his practice the importance of encouraging parents to use this simple phrase.
Hobbs highlights that making independent choices is a skill that requires practice. If parents consistently dictate their children’s actions, those children miss out on opportunities to develop their decision-making abilities. By starting with “I wonder,” we invite them into a dialogue that encourages their autonomy.
As parents, we often feel compelled to step in and offer explicit guidance, even if it obstructs our children’s learning experiences. Research indicates that children, especially younger ones, learn more effectively when adults minimize their interference. For instance, in one study involving four-year-olds and a complex toy, the group allowed to explore freely discovered more functionalities than the group given adult instructions. Over-instruction can actually hinder a child’s ability to learn.
When we manage our kids’ play or make significant decisions for them, we unintentionally signal that we lack confidence in their ability to make smart choices. Instead of allowing them to explore and learn, we rush in with our own solutions, even before giving them a chance to think for themselves.
Use “I Wonder…” to Empower Your Kids
Imagine you’re deliberating between buying an SUV or a van, and someone interjects, “You should definitely choose the van! It’s roomier and more practical!” This person doesn’t know that you’ve already weighed the pros and cons, considering factors like gas mileage and space. Their unsolicited advice can feel dismissive, as if they assume they know what’s best for you without asking for your input.
This is how our children can feel when we exclude them from the decision-making process. It can lead them to believe we don’t trust their judgment or that they’re incapable of making informed choices.
Currently, I’m using the “I wonder…” technique with my teenage son as he navigates the choice of high school for next year. He has the option of attending his zoned school, which offers a solid academic program and extracurricular activities, or a renowned college-prep school known for its rigorous curriculum and impressive college acceptance rates.
While some parents might insist their child attend the top-ranked school if accepted, I plan to let my son decide. I trust him to make the right choice for himself. By asking questions like, “I wonder how different the AP classes would be at each school?” or “I wonder how you would feel in a larger versus a smaller school?” he articulates his thoughts and weighs his options thoughtfully.
This approach reassures me that he is considering all factors. He’s aware that since he aspires to study engineering, the college-prep school is worth serious consideration, but he also recognizes his need for balance in his life, especially given his challenges with ADHD.
Ultimately, I won’t make the decision for him unless he reaches an impasse and asks for my help. Using “I wonder” not only fosters discussions but also strengthens my confidence in his decision-making capabilities. At this point, he seems inclined toward the college-prep school, with the understanding that he can transfer if he finds it overwhelming.
Instilling a Sense of Control in Our Children
Hobbs emphasizes a vital point: the concept of locus of control. What message are we sending our kids about their influence over their lives? Are events simply happening to them, leaving them feeling powerless, or do they have a say in their own outcomes? This distinction between an external and internal locus of control is crucial for their development.
If children feel they have no control, they’re likely to experience anxiety. This may explain the uptick in “helicopter parenting,” which seems to coincide with rising anxiety levels among children and teens.
I don’t want my son to feel that way. If I sensed he was disregarding his future or opting for the easiest path, I might feel compelled to take a firmer stance. However, through our conversations, I see that he is thoughtful and aware. He will make mistakes along the way, but that’s a natural part of developing sound decision-making skills. It’s a process we all undergo, and our children must navigate it too.
Summary
Using the phrase “I wonder” can effectively transform the way we communicate with our teens about significant decisions. By fostering dialogue instead of dictation, we empower them to think critically and develop their decision-making skills. In turn, this cultivates confidence and a sense of control over their own lives. For additional insights on related topics, check out this excellent resource and explore fertility enhancement options from an authority in the field, like those found at Make a Mom.