Parenting can often feel like navigating a maze, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries while being sensitive to our children’s feelings. I remember when my eldest, whom I’ll call Lily, had a biting phase. It seemed that whenever the atmosphere shifted from calm to chaotic, she resorted to biting. During a three-week stint where we were caring for a toddler named Max, Lily bit him multiple times, leaving us horrified and embarrassed.
Many suggested we bite her back, a misguided attempt at a “taste of her own medicine.” However, I felt uneasy about that approach. While her actions were indeed troubling, I pondered the underlying reasons for her behavior. It became clear that Lily was struggling to adjust to the arrival of a sibling. Previously, she was the sole focus of our attention, but now she had to share that spotlight. Her biting was her way of expressing frustration and confusion.
At that age, children have limited ways of communicating their feelings. Their emotional world is vast yet difficult to articulate. They oscillate between joy, fatigue, and testing boundaries, often resorting to tantrums to express their discontent. Our solution involved introducing a board book titled Teeth Are Not For Biting, which we read repeatedly. Eventually, Lily’s biting issues faded when Max returned to his own home. However, she faced similar challenges when her younger sister arrived.
Fast forward to the present—I now have four children, and I’m relieved I never followed the advice to retaliate. Instead, I discovered a more effective method called connective parenting. Initially, I was skeptical. Raised in a traditional household where punitive measures like spanking and time-outs were common, I viewed this new approach as too lenient. However, with three young kids at home, I realized we needed a consistent strategy to handle the emotional chaos.
Connective parenting, akin to attachment parenting, emphasizes understanding the reasons behind a child’s behavior instead of labeling them based on their actions. Are they hungry, tired, or feeling neglected? Often, deeper emotions like jealousy or confusion are at play. We learned to approach each situation as detectives, trying to uncover what might be triggering the behavior.
This doesn’t imply that we overlook accountability. After ensuring my children are calm and their needs are met, we discuss their actions. I often pose the question, “What do you think should happen next?” Typically, they recognize the need to apologize, which involves making eye contact and clearly stating what they did wrong. This could mean saying, “I’m sorry I broke your toy out of anger.” They often follow up with a hug or even a letter of apology.
One significant benefit of this approach is that we avoid delayed punishments. Such tactics can lead to resentment and may inadvertently penalize children for simply feeling emotions. We encourage our kids to express their feelings openly rather than stifling them, similar to how adults might indulge in self-care practices like coffee or binge-watching their favorite shows. Connective parenting provides a safe space for children to navigate their emotions and reset.
In summary, children should not be punished for expressing their feelings. Instead, they should be guided through their emotional experiences, allowing them to develop healthy coping mechanisms. As we strive to raise respectful and accountable individuals, we focus on understanding their needs and emotions first, creating a supportive environment for growth.
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