Recently, I returned home from work to find my 13-year-old son, Jake, secluded in his room, visibly upset. While it’s common for teens to experience emotional roller coasters, this time felt particularly heavy. My husband had warned me about Jake’s distress, but nothing could truly prepare me for witnessing his heartbreak.
The source of his anguish? He didn’t make the middle school basketball team. Although it might seem trivial to some, for him, this felt like a monumental loss.
I longed to alleviate his pain, wishing I had a magic wand to erase his disappointment. Instead, we decided to do something unexpected: we celebrated.
“Hey, champ,” I said, giving him a comforting hug. He remained silent. “I’m really proud of you,” I added.
“Why? I failed,” he replied, tears still in his eyes.
“You didn’t fail; you tried,” I emphasized. “You put yourself out there, and that’s something to celebrate. Sure, it’s tough not making the team, but your effort is what truly matters.”
He looked doubtful. “But I didn’t make it.”
“True,” I acknowledged, “but this experience is just one of many disappointments you’ll face in life. You might not always get the grades you want or get into your preferred college or job. And that’s okay. What’s important is that you took the risk and showed up. So, congratulations!”
“Whatever,” he mumbled, turning away.
Despite his reluctance, we went to dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, indulging in a feast and letting the kids enjoy sugary Ramune sodas. My husband and I shared our own stories of setbacks—teams we didn’t make, colleges that rejected us, jobs we didn’t land. We made a point to celebrate Jake’s experience, turning a moment of disappointment into a lesson about resilience.
We commit to celebrating all efforts with our children, whether they try out for a travel baseball team and don’t make it, apply for a job and don’t get an interview, or work hard on a project and receive a solid B. It’s essential to applaud their courage to try—not solely the outcomes.
Life is inherently filled with disappointments. It’s crucial for our kids to learn how to navigate these moments early on, so they’re better prepared for bigger challenges later. I’ll continue to encourage my kids to take risks, even if it means facing potential disappointment.
Later that night, as Jake settled into bed, he still felt wounded. I hugged him tightly and reminded him how proud I was of him. “You know, everyone stumbles. What’s important is not just falling, but how you rise back up.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, curiosity piqued.
“Well,” I explained, “you can either give up on basketball, become bitter, or you can dust yourself off, recognize your strengths, work on what needs improvement, and move forward.”
“I get it,” he replied softly.
Two weeks later, he tried out for another team. While he didn’t make that one either, we celebrated his efforts once again.
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Summary
Celebrating effort over outcome is vital in teaching children resilience. Disappointments are part of life, and it’s essential to emphasize the importance of trying and learning from experiences. Our family embraced this philosophy, turning setbacks into valuable lessons.