As mothers, we often jest about our perpetual “hot mess” status. Gone are the days of regular showers and tidy homes. Many of us have postponed dental appointments for years, and a decent haircut feels like a distant memory. When we do manage to squeeze in these rare moments, society applauds us for taking time to “treat ourselves” to self-care.
Hooray for us, right? But let’s be real; this shouldn’t be the standard.
We should have the freedom to shower as often as we desire. Our physical and mental well-being is paramount. We deserve hairstyles that bring us joy or fit our lifestyle, and after long days of parenting, we absolutely deserve to soak in a bubble bath. This isn’t self-care; these are essential needs that mothers require to feel good about themselves.
Fathers engage in these same activities without being lauded for “self-care.” I’ve never heard anyone refer to a dad’s shower as an act of self-care. But when a mother takes a moment for herself, whether that’s a relaxing bath or a solo trip to the grocery store, it’s met with admiration.
Society has constructed a narrow definition of “self-care” for mothers, equating it with mundane tasks like haircuts or hiding from kids for a few minutes. This perspective overlooks the reality that these acts simply prepare us for the real work of self-care. They may clean our metaphorical cups, but they don’t fill them.
If the basic, everyday tasks of being human are now deemed “self-care” for mothers, we must acknowledge the underlying distress so many mothers face. This burden has a name: sexism.
The expectation that mothers carry the majority of the parenting load persists, even when both parents work. While not every family fits this mold, it is a common scenario. It’s unsurprising to hear that a mother spent the night tending to a crying baby while her partner snoozed soundly. It’s not shocking that fathers often shower daily while mothers may go days without. This gender imbalance is accepted as normal, and it’s disheartening.
The world fails to recognize parenting as an equal partnership, despite it clearly being necessary. Some fathers view their involvement in their children’s lives as merely “helping,” or worse, “babysitting.” Tasks like bathing, diaper changes, and laundry are too often seen as a mother’s responsibility. Meanwhile, fathers receive praise for simply stepping up in parenting roles.
Mothers predominantly manage both the physical and mental loads of family life. When a baby cries at night, it’s typically expected that mom will respond. But what if she decided not to? What if a mother chose not to wake up with a crying infant, forcing the father to step in and subsequently forgoing his daily shower? Would we consider his lack of hygiene as self-care? I doubt it.
It’s unacceptable to place all responsibilities on a single person and then expect them to remain energized. It’s even more unacceptable to disregard a mother’s basic needs and then label those needs as “self-care,” as if finding a moment to use the bathroom alone or brush her teeth is a luxury.
This is not just insulting; it’s degrading. The baseline expectations for fathers have become the benchmark for self-care for mothers. If what should be daily essentials are now seen as extraordinary for mothers, it’s clear that many are struggling.
We deserve recognition for our worth—not extravagant demands but simple equality. Amid the chaos of parenting, all we seek is acknowledgment. We refuse to accept that someone else’s “normal” becomes a mother’s “reward.”
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Summary
This piece challenges the notion of basic self-care for mothers, arguing that the everyday tasks of hygiene and personal time should not be seen as luxuries but rather as essential needs. It highlights the societal expectations and sexism that contribute to this imbalance, emphasizing the need for equality in parenting responsibilities.