As a parent navigating the complexities of raising a transgender child, I share my journey openly in hopes of providing support and understanding to others. I often receive messages through various channels, some of which are encouraging, while others can be quite harsh. Nevertheless, it’s the appreciative notes from fellow parents that remind me of the importance of this work in advocating for LGBTQIA+ individuals and their families.
One question I frequently encounter is: “How can I tell if my child is transgender?” This question often stems from a place of love and concern, as parents seek the best ways to support their children. Many parents describe situations that evoke confusion or fear when their child expresses themselves outside traditional gender norms. For instance, a son might prefer wearing dresses, or a daughter might identify as a boy. When these scenarios arise, parents often wonder if this indicates that their child might be transgender.
While I cannot provide specific answers tailored to each individual situation, I can suggest some approaches to help you and your child navigate this journey together.
Understanding the Basics
First, it’s essential to clarify a few key terms. Gender identity refers to how individuals perceive themselves, whether as male, female, neither, or both. Some may identify as nonbinary or gender-fluid. Biological sex pertains to physical attributes and is typically assigned at birth. However, these two aspects do not always align. In simple terms, if a person’s gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth, they are considered transgender.
It’s also important to differentiate between gender identity and sexual orientation, which relates to who one is attracted to. Gender expression is how we present ourselves to the world through clothing, pronouns, and other outward signs.
Societal norms often dictate rigid gender roles, leading some parents to perceive deviations from these norms as concerning. Others, however, view these signs as opportunities to embrace and support their child’s individual identity.
Follow Their Lead
My first piece of advice is to take a moment to breathe. Along with showing your love through affirming words, you may not need to take immediate action. One of the best pieces of advice I received when my child, assigned male at birth, began wanting to wear her sister’s clothes was simply to follow her lead.
I didn’t assign too much significance to her clothing choices. If my son wanted to wear a dress, I allowed that to happen. Gender expression does not dictate one’s sexual orientation, and when my daughter began to identify as a girl, my partner and I remained observant. We considered whether she felt the need to conform to a specific gender to enjoy “girl” things or if this indicated a deeper truth about her identity.
Listen and Avoid Labeling
Since my daughter was quite young when she asserted her identity, I focused on ensuring she had the freedom to express herself without imposing a label on her. While I was eager to understand her perspective, it was crucial to let her define herself. I facilitated her exploration of identity through diverse clothing, toys, and literature.
I stocked our shelves with books that represented various gender identities and expressions. A standout title was I Am Jazz, authored by transgender activist Jazz Jennings. This book, appropriate for young readers, recounts Jazz’s early transition and helped my daughter articulate her identity: she was not just a boy who liked dresses but a girl who loved them.
Validate Their Experience
Mental health professionals and advocates emphasize that a key indicator of whether a child is transgender is their consistency, insistence, and persistence regarding their gender identity. Should your child express a strong and ongoing assertion of their identity, it’s wise to seek guidance from medical experts who can provide support and a clear path forward.
If your child continually asserts their gender identity in a positive manner, they may indeed be transgender. This could be accompanied by feelings of anxiety, depression, or body dysphoria—an uncomfortable sensation that arises when one’s body does not align with their identity.
While it is important to avoid labeling your child prematurely, validation is essential. Once my child communicated her feelings, we consulted with healthcare providers and therapists to ensure we were supporting her appropriately. We asked if she preferred we use she/her pronouns and how she wanted us to refer to her publicly. She affirmed these requests, expressing joy in her identity as a girl.
Though it’s challenging not to have all the answers, supporting your child is vital without hindering their personal journey. There will be uncertainties, and it’s essential to trust your child’s self-awareness. I’m proud to wave the transgender flag for my daughter, just as she proudly identifies as a girl.
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In summary, if you suspect your child may be transgender, focus on understanding, supporting, and validating their feelings. Listen closely and allow them the space to express their identity in their own terms.