Updated: Dec. 13, 2019 | Originally Published: November 8, 2019
I feel like an outsider in my own community. On one side, I have my old friends who remain devoted to the faith; they are the righteous ones. On the other side, there are my new friends, individuals who have never been part of my former life and who enjoy a freedom that I have just begun to understand.
I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as the Mormons. I followed the prescribed rituals: attending Sunday services and taking part in seminary classes. I was married in the temple, and my husband performed blessings for our children. Although we weren’t the most active members, we upheld the necessary appearances for the sake of our families. In the world of Mormonism, half-hearted commitment isn’t an option; you’re either fully engaged or completely out. We chose the former, and I genuinely believed.
That was until we discovered the Mormon Stories Podcast. It was a pivotal moment.
We found ourselves captivated, listening for hours each night to the experiences of others who had once shared our convictions. These were people who had been deeply committed to their faith but, for various reasons, chose to leave. The reasons ranged from the church’s 2015 policy excluding children of LGBTQ families from baptism to the overall treatment of the LGBTQ community and the myriad issues surrounding church history.
What struck me most were the revelations of deceit. I came to see that the church was more steeped in wrongdoing than any of its members. We delved into church history for months—fascinating yet incredibly frustrating. How had I been so naïve? Just a few months prior, I was all in, but suddenly, everything I knew began to unravel. I experienced both relief and anguish. As a Mormon, I was taught that a temple marriage meant eternal family bonds. Now, I was left questioning whether I would see my loved ones after death, and that uncertainty tormented me.
Being around the Mormon community has become increasingly challenging. Their lives are so intertwined with the church, while I have managed to break free from its hold. Not everyone knows of my departure, but some suspect. My family is aware, though my husband’s family remains in the dark due to his fear of their reaction—an understandable concern, as many who leave are completely disowned.
The perception of those who leave is often harsh. You’re labeled a coward who couldn’t handle the faith, someone who simply wants to indulge in sin. You become viewed as weak and lost—an apostate. But that’s a misrepresentation of most who exit the church. It’s incredibly challenging to embrace the actions you were once condemned for.
In the year since I chose to leave, I’ve gained the confidence to wear a tank top in public. It took several attempts and a great deal of courage, but I did it. I’ve also learned how to confidently order at coffee shops. Small victories.
Returning to my opening thought, I truly don’t fit anywhere in my community. I can’t express my new self around my Mormon friends. The tension is palpable. Some might see my presence as sinful—after all, associating with apostates is frowned upon. If I were to crack open a drink in front of them, I’d likely witness one of two reactions: they might faint or leave in disgust.
I’m trying to forge connections with my new friends, but they don’t understand why I am ecstatic about being invited for coffee at 33 years old. They can’t grasp my insecurities about fashion choices or my unfamiliarity with wine. They don’t comprehend what I’ve lost—my entire foundation has turned to dust, and I’m left with the daunting task of rebuilding.
If there’s one takeaway from my experience, it’s this: if you know someone navigating a faith crisis, regardless of their religion, please recognize the immense difficulty they face. It’s one of the hardest journeys a person can endure.
I will continue to sift through the remnants of my former beliefs. No longer will I pretend to be someone I’m not. I’ll remain true to my convictions and teach my children to do the same. It’s acceptable if I don’t belong to a community, as long as I maintain my integrity.
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Summary:
The author shares their experience of leaving the Mormon Church, detailing the emotional struggle of distancing themselves from a community that once defined them. They discuss the challenges of navigating relationships with former friends and family while embracing a new identity. Ultimately, they emphasize the importance of integrity and the difficulties faced by those undergoing a faith crisis.