There are moments when I feel my children understand me more profoundly than anyone else. While they might not be aware of my career milestones, educational background, or personal aspirations, they have witnessed my vulnerabilities—times when I’ve been unwell or acted playfully, as parents often do around their little ones. They’ve barged into the bathroom, a familiar habit of young kids, which is a side of me I prefer to keep private. They’ve observed me express anger and then apologize, and they’ve seen me shed tears. My older two were present during my C-section when I brought their younger sister into the world, a particularly challenging time for me. They’ve also been part of my journey through divorce.
When I finally decided to come out, I was in my late twenties, a bit later than most. Friends and family had known me for years without realizing this significant part of my identity, and many were taken aback, confused, or even upset. However, I didn’t give much thought to how I would approach my children—ages 2, 4, and 5—because it felt like they already had an inkling.
As their father and I were parting ways for various reasons, I saw this as an opportunity to embrace my true self. When their dad began dating again, my kids started to ask questions, innocently assuming that seeing their father kiss someone new meant he was remarrying. They even speculated whether I would find love again.
One day, while we were driving to the park with a friend, I overheard a conversation that struck me. “Your dad has a girlfriend?” the friend asked. “Mine does too.” I felt a wave of relief to hear them share this bond. Their friend had grown up with separated parents and was comfortable discussing it, which helped my kids feel at ease. He mentioned how he enjoyed having two homes, with both parents loving and supporting him.
Then the friend asked, “Is your mom going to date another man?” I chuckled as I heard my sons giggle. My oldest chimed in, “No… I think my mom is going to have a girlfriend.” Their awareness surprised me, even though I had expected some understanding. They had met my girlfriend, but I had only introduced her as a friend, keeping any deeper affection under wraps.
“Mom, do you have a girlfriend?” my oldest shouted from the back seat.
“Yes, I do,” I replied, a bit taken aback.
“SEE!” he exclaimed to his brother and their friend.
“Who is it?” he asked eagerly. I told him her name, and he responded, “Oh, that’s great. She’s great. I like her a lot.” And just like that, the conversation shifted back to their usual banter.
Coming out to my children turned out to be a straightforward experience. They know and trust me. Unlike some adults who question or doubt, they didn’t ask, “Are you sure?” or “What if you change your mind?” Kids don’t harbor those kinds of doubts. I simply affirmed who I am—something they seemingly already knew—and they accepted it without hesitation, loving me all the same. I remain the mom who stays up late sewing their Halloween costumes, invents silly games, and comforts them when they’re scared. Their happiness is rooted in my love, not who I love.
Children are not born with biases or prejudiced thoughts. In contrast, some adults I confided in expressed skepticism, questioning my self-awareness. They suggested I might just be bisexual or that I simply didn’t like my ex-husband. “What if you like a different guy?” one friend probed. It was bewildering to hear others presume to know my feelings better than I do. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I feel like I’ve been deceived,” lamented one friend. How could I share something I wasn’t sure of until my mid-twenties? By that point, I was already married with children, and the fear of hurting others made it challenging to confront my own truth. Yet here I was, attempting to live authentically, only to be criticized for not doing so earlier.
I had married my ex-husband at 22—a time when most LGBTQ women I know were still exploring their identities. Back then, I was unaware of who I truly was, especially when society dictated that such options were off-limits. Now, however, I feel a profound certainty. The hurtful responses from some adults pale in comparison to the unconditional love and trust I receive from my kids.
Today, they witness me being my authentic self, which is the most precious gift I can offer them. In a world where acceptance is still a journey for many, I hope they carry forward the understanding that love knows no bounds. For more insights on navigating love and family dynamics, check out this related blog post.
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Summary
This article reflects on the author’s journey of coming out as gay to her children, who seemed to intuitively understand her identity before she formally revealed it. The experience was affirming and loving, contrasting the skepticism faced from some adults. Ultimately, the author feels that being true to herself is the greatest gift she can provide her children, emphasizing that love is unconditional and not bound by societal norms.