60+ Hilarious Jokes and Puns About Law Enforcement That Are Almost Criminal

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Are you a police officer? Married to one? Or does your child dream of becoming a “policewoman” someday? Perhaps you’ve been pulled over for a speeding ticket you felt was unwarranted? Regardless of your ties to law enforcement, these jokes will have the entire family in stitches. While police officers face serious situations daily, they also know the value of a good laugh. Who knows, a well-timed joke might even help you avoid a ticket! Just be careful—these jokes are a little too cheeky.

1. Last night, the perfect crime was committed. Someone broke into the precinct and stole all the toilets. The police report states they have nothing to go on.
2. What do you call a female officer who plays guitar? She-riff.
3. Why did the officer have a bad odor? He was on duty.
4. Officer: “I see your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” Driver: “I noticed your eyes are glazed. Have you been snacking on donuts?”
5. Did you hear that celery was arrested? They charged it with stalking.
6. Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Driver: “Isn’t that your job to tell me?”
7. An officer finds a man clearly under the influence. He says, “We’re going to need to administer a drug test.” The man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
8. Cop: “When I saw you driving, I guessed you were going at least 55.” Driver: “You’re mistaken, officer. It’s just my hat that makes me look that old.”
9. Officer: “Why did you park here?” Me: “The sign says, ‘Fine for parking.’”
10. What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot? A cellfie.
11. Why was the cap arrested? It was covering for the marker.
12. Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Me: “You were bored and wanted some company?”
13. What does a frog use to deter burglars? A lily padlock.
14. Judge: “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again.” Criminal: “That’s what I kept telling the officer, but he wouldn’t listen.”
15. I asked a rookie what he would do if he had to arrest his mother. He said, “I’d call for backup!”
16. Why did the thief wear blue gloves? He didn’t want to be caught red-handed.
17. Man: “Can I park here?” Cop: “No.” Man: “What about all these other cars?” Cop: “They didn’t ask!”
18. An officer sees a woman in the street and asks, “Are you okay?” She replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?” The officer says, “Just keep standing there.”
19. Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp? He got a very light sentence.
20. When caught speeding, an airman tried to talk the officer out of it. He said, “Would it help if I told you I’m in the Air Force?” The officer replied, “Yes, but only if you were piloting a plane.”
21. Why did the officer ticket the ghost? It didn’t have a haunting license.
22. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes the police. Open up!
23. Why are police officers great volleyball players? They know how to serve and protect.
24. On what show do police solve crimes involving garden gnomes? Lawn & Order.
25. Why did the NYPD show up at the Mets game? They heard someone was stealing bases.
26. Cop: “Where do you think you’re going?” Driver: “To the donut shop, officer.” Cop: “At 80 miles per hour?” Driver: “I wanted to make sure I got there first!”
27. One fire truck and twenty police officers responded to a call. What happened? The Dunkin’ Donuts burnt down.
28. Why did the cat get a ticket? It littered.
29. What are the four food groups for cops? Jelly, powdered, glazed, and chocolate frosted.
30. An officer stops a man for speeding and notices he’s not wearing his glasses. Officer: “I have to ticket you for that.” Driver: “But officer, I have contacts!” Officer: “I don’t care who you know; you’re still getting a ticket.”
31. Why did the coffee call 911? It was mugged.
32. Why couldn’t police notify the family of the murdered baker? He was a John Dough.
33. A police officer stopped me and said, “Papers.” I replied, “Scissors. I win!” and drove off. I guess he wants a rematch since he’s been tailing me for about 45 minutes.
34. Did you hear they arrested the Energizer bunny? He was charged with battery.
35. An officer sees a man leave a bar and get into his car. After observing erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The man explains, “I’m going to a lecture about alcohol abuse.” When the officer asks who would give a lecture at that hour, he replies, “My wife.”
36. A woman receives a speeding ticket and asks the officer why he didn’t give her a warning first. The officer responds, “Ma’am, there are warnings posted everywhere. They say, ‘Speed Limit 65.’
37. What happens when a police officer goes to bed? He becomes an undercover cop.
38. Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Driver: “Sorry, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.” Officer: “There is no traffic. The highway is empty.” Driver: “That’s what I’m telling you—I’m really far behind.”
39. Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world? He can stop a ten-ton truck with just his hand!
40. Did you hear about the two peanuts who walked through a rough neighborhood? One was assaulted.
41. What do you call a clairvoyant who escaped from prison? A medium at large.
42. Why did the sheriff lock up her boyfriend? He stole her heart.
43. I got pulled over last night. The officer said, “I’m going to follow you to the nearest police station.” I asked, “What for?” He said, “I’ve forgotten the way.”
44. Officer: “How high are you?” Driver: “No, officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’”
45. Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
46. Tourist: “Are you a policeman?” Officer: “No, I’m an undercover detective.” Tourist: “So why are you in uniform?” Officer: “Today’s my day off.”
47. Police are usually shocked I have a record. But I love their greatest hits!
48. A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three states: solid, liquid, and gas.
49. There’s someone in town stealing the wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
50. What are riot police in Germany called? Sour kraut control.
51. A woman was speeding and pulled over by a female officer. As she rummaged through her purse, she grew frustrated. “What does it look like?” she asked. The officer replied, “It’s square and has your picture on it.” The woman eventually handed over a square mirror, and the officer said, “Okay, you’re free to go; I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
52. A cop caught a graffiti artist spraying a police station. Before cuffing him, the officer said, “Now that is bold.”
53. The police say I assaulted a man with sandpaper. All I did was rough him up a bit.
54. A week after my wife went missing, the police warned me to expect the worst. So, I went back to the charity shop and got all her old clothes.
55. The police apprehended someone erasing criminal records. They said he was a real pro for a first offender.
56. Who’s the most famous lawn detective? Sherlock Gnomes.
57. Cop to suspect: “Did you kill this man?” Suspect: “No, he died of natural causes.” Cop: “He was shot!” Suspect: “Right—a bullet killed him. Bullets are made from lead, which comes from the ground. So he died of natural causes. Sheesh, I thought you were the cop here.”
58. Cop to suspect: “Where do you live?” Suspect: “With my parents.” Cop: “Where do your parents live?” Suspect: “With me.” Cop: “Where do you all live?” Suspect: “Together.” Cop: “Where is your house?” Suspect: “Next to my neighbor’s house.” Cop: “Where is your neighbor’s house?” Suspect: “If I tell you, will you believe me?” Cop: “Tell me.” Suspect: “Next to my house.”
59. I got a call from the police station asking to interview me. Funny, I don’t remember applying for a job.
60. Who collaborates with the grammar police? Corrections officers.
61. What do you say when your friend wants to hear a cool police joke? You say, “Freeze!”
62. What’s a police officer’s favorite type of tag? Freeze tag.
63. How do cops greet people? Policed to meet you!
64. A state trooper stopped a farmer on a rural road and said, “Sir, do you realize your brother fell out of the car several miles back?” The farmer replied, “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

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In summary, these police puns and jokes are sure to bring laughter to any gathering. They highlight the lighter side of law enforcement and can break the ice or lighten the mood, no matter the situation.