It often begins with a glance. Sometimes, it’s directed at my daughter; other times, it’s aimed at me or another parent nearby. The identity of the observer doesn’t matter because the expression is always the same—a look of judgment that arises when a child with autism displays behaviors associated with their condition, leading others to label them as “off,” “strange,” or “bad.” This experience is all too common and can occur anywhere.
One morning during our family vacation in Los Angeles, my five-year-old daughter and I decided to have a beach day—just the two of us. She loves the ocean, so after grabbing coffee at a local café, we ventured out at dawn to enjoy the sunrise and avoid the crowds. Being on the autism spectrum ourselves—both having what is known as high-functioning autism, specifically Asperger’s Syndrome—steering clear of crowded places is a priority. Crowds can lead to overstimulation, anxiety, and meltdowns, so we proactively seek quieter environments, like public spaces in the early hours.
However, no matter how hard we try to avoid crowded areas, we can’t escape the judgmental gazes of others when they witness typical autistic behavior. This reality hit home about 15 minutes after we arrived at the beach.
I should never have to disclose my daughter’s autism for others to stop staring at her or speaking to her with condescension.
The first judgmental glance came from a mother walking with her two pre-teen sons. It occurred as my daughter joyfully ran back and forth between the gentle waves and my spot in the sand, flapping her arms, twirling, and attempting cartwheels—expressing herself in a way that felt entirely natural to her, yet likely baffling to onlookers.
“What is she…doing?” one boy asked loudly, pointing at my daughter.
“I don’t know,” the mother responded, shooting me a disapproving look before inquiring, “Is she…okay? What’s happening?”
“She’s playing,” I replied.
“But is she…okay? Why is she making those…noises? And her hands are like…claws…”
“She’s autistic,” I said, trying to end the questioning as swiftly as possible.
“Ohhh, I see,” she responded, visibly uncomfortable.
Having reached her conclusion, she turned away and whispered something to her son, continuing their stroll down the beach.
This tendency to “figure out what others are about” based on a single moment is a frustrating norm in our society, one that adds unnecessary stress to many lives. Some people feel entitled to an explanation for someone else’s behavior, believing they deserve a “valid” reason for how others act or speak.
This situation affects many groups. For us, it was being asked to justify “weird” autistic behavior. For a parent of a child with ADHD, it could involve explaining their child’s emotional struggles to a stranger. For someone facing fertility challenges, it might mean addressing why they had to leave a baby shower early. For a Black girl, it could be having to explain why she’s upset about her hair being touched by a curious child.
If one were to document all these scenarios, the list would be extensive—far longer than one could imagine.
It can feel overwhelming to navigate so many different circumstances, trying to be sensitive to each one. However, the solution isn’t to know everyone’s personal story—that’s impossible. We also don’t need to have an exhaustive knowledge of every disorder or disability; that would be an unrealistic expectation.
Would it have been impressive if that mother understood that my daughter’s “weird” behavior was a form of stimming, a common practice among those with autism? Absolutely. Would it have been even better had she used that knowledge to educate her son, presenting individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder as valid human beings with different neurological wiring? Yes. It would have been ideal if she had done this tactfully, turning our beach outing into a teachable moment without demanding that we educate her.
While it’s uplifting to feel understood, that interaction didn’t require extensive knowledge or understanding to be positive. What the mother failed to provide was simple empathy and kindness.
It should never require me to announce my daughter’s autism for kindness to be extended. If I have to explain her condition for someone to be kind, that person has already missed the mark. My daughter, like every person, deserves basic kindness, regardless of how “weird” or “different” she may seem. Being unique shouldn’t make one a target for judgment or ridicule.
A substantial shift we can collectively make in our interactions is to prioritize kindness and empathy. Instead of rushing to conclusions, we should aim to adopt the mindset that there may be unrecognized circumstances influencing someone’s behavior.
Kindness should be our default reaction. Let’s make the effort to be truly kind.
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Summary
The article highlights the importance of kindness and empathy in society, particularly towards those with autism. It narrates a personal experience of a mother and her autistic daughter facing judgment at the beach and emphasizes that understanding should not be a prerequisite to treating others with respect and compassion.