Updated: Dec. 13, 2023
Originally Published: Oct. 18, 2023
When discussing Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), misconceptions abound. A common misunderstanding is that enjoying order or being organized equates to being “soooo OCD.” However, appreciating neatness and making lists does not mean you have a severe and often debilitating mental health condition.
Another prevalent myth is that everyone with OCD is fixated on cleanliness and germs. While fear of contamination and compulsive cleaning are frequent symptoms, they represent only a small aspect of living with this complex disorder. In reality, OCD can manifest in ways that are quite unsettling.
Individuals with OCD often experience recurring thoughts (obsessions) or repetitive behaviors (compulsions)—or sometimes both. I, for instance, grapple with both. My intrusive thoughts can be terrifying. I’ve found myself worrying I might hit someone while driving. I’ve imagined harming loved ones and envisioned driving off bridges or swerving into oncoming traffic. These thoughts are not about cleanliness; they are gruesome and disturbing. The fear that I might act on these thoughts is overwhelming—not due to the mess but because I would never want to inflict pain on anyone.
The more I struggle to dismiss these obsessions, the more intense they become. My coping mechanism has evolved to simply allowing these thoughts to pass without acting on them. I’ve learned through experience that my compulsions don’t relate to the cleanliness of my environment.
While many contend with compulsive handwashing and sanitizing, my relationship with germs is different. I firmly believe that bacteria can be beneficial for our immune systems. I enjoy getting dirty and have no qualms about wiping my hands on grass or even blowing my nose on my shirt. Yet, people often express surprise upon entering my somewhat disordered vehicle, remarking things like, “I thought you had OCD. This is disgusting!”
Let me clarify: my car is not that terrible. However, my compulsions can sometimes be quite off-putting. I don’t derive pleasure from performing these behaviors, yet OCD compels me to engage in them. The drive to complete a ritual feels like a toxic pressure that can only be alleviated by following through. Unfortunately, even after completion, the relief is temporary; it merely provides a momentary escape from the suffocating anxiety.
A few years ago, during the initial phase of finding the right medication for my OCD and PTSD, one of my unusual compulsions involved repeatedly smelling my dog’s feces after cleaning it up with a bag. I would bring the bag close to my face and inhale deeply, not because I liked it but because once I started, stopping proved challenging. The only way to end the ritual was to throw the bag away. The longer I engaged in this behavior, the more I loathed the smell and myself.
I kept this behavior secret, fearing that no one would understand. This secrecy only fed my shame and my compulsive cycle. Eventually, I confided in my therapist, and together we devised a plan to address it. It was vital to recognize that this behavior was part of my OCD, no matter how disgusting.
My OCD has also led me to pick at my skin and explore unsanitary things that would make most people cringe. I’ve exhausted myself with rituals of staring, tapping, and sniffing. I’ve sat in filthy places just to satisfy an obsessive urge to use the restroom, even when my bladder wasn’t full. My anxiety often propels me to repeatedly check and attempt to relieve myself before leaving any location. I’ve entered and exited bathrooms multiple times, holding my breath in unsanitary conditions, all to quell an irrational fear of not finding a restroom.
OCD feels like being trapped in a chaotic space, far from the neat and tidy life one might imagine. For me, it’s about striving for control amidst the turmoil of obsessive thoughts, often leading me to dark and unpleasant places devoid of hygiene.
In summary, OCD is a multifaceted disorder that extends far beyond a mere obsession with cleanliness. It is essential to understand that while some may have a genuine fear of germs, many others, like myself, experience OCD in ways that are deeply personal and often unsettling. For more insights on navigating mental health and personal experiences, you can explore our related post here. Additionally, if you’re seeking authoritative information on self-insemination, this resource may be helpful. For further information on fertility treatments, consider the NHS’s IVF guide.