It was one of those chaotic toddler tantrum Tuesdays when I found myself calling my husband, Greg, to see if he was finally done with work. Honestly, I was desperate for a break—or at least some help. When he answered and confirmed he was on his way home, I mentioned we were ordering pizza. After a day filled with messes, screaming, time-outs, and tears, I had completely failed to prepare any kind of meal. He seemed in a good mood and, surprisingly, suggested, “What if we all go out to dinner instead?”
After a solid 12 hours of unending arguing, discipline, and crying from everyone involved, the thought of taking our toddlers out in public felt like a recipe for disaster. “Honey, I just can’t. Today’s been brutal, and I really can’t do it,” I replied, feeling the weight of exhaustion. His silence told me he was disappointed, and in a moment of frustration, I snapped, “FINE. I’ll get the kids ready.”
With irritation, I brushed my daughter’s hair, wiped the kids’ faces, and dressed them up as best I could. While loading them into the car, I shot Greg a look and muttered, “You owe me.”
Later that night, despite my initial fears, dinner turned out to be fine. As I reflected on my earlier comment, I had a humbling realization: the phrase “you owe me” should never be uttered in a marriage.
Saying “you owe me” carries an unspoken expectation that the other person must do something nice for you in return—or else. Or else there will be resentment. Or else you might withhold affection. Or else you may slack off on your marital responsibilities until they repay you somehow.
Common wedding vows express sentiments like “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health,” which encapsulate the essence of marriage: selfless love. Marriage is a committed partnership where honoring one another is paramount, and the phrase “you owe me” drains love and respect from a relationship. While marriage involves give and take, it also means prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own. It’s about sacrificial love—setting aside your own happiness to bring joy to your partner.
When I said “you owe me,” I was inadvertently asserting, “We are not equal partners right now. I have the upper hand, and I’ll be damned if you don’t find a way to make it right.” It placed an undue burden on him, forcing the feeling that he had to quickly make up for my frustration, which stripped away his ability to love me freely and selflessly.
This is not what love looks like.
Marriage is challenging; even thriving partnerships can encounter their share of difficulties and bleak seasons. I choose not to complicate my marriage by demanding favors in return. Instead, I commit to loving Greg without expecting anything in return, just as I promised on May 23, 2009.
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Summary
In marriage, the phrase “you owe me” undermines the essence of partnership and love. It’s essential to prioritize selfless love and mutual respect over transactional expectations. Marriage requires sacrifice and commitment, and by focusing on your partner’s needs, you strengthen the bond you share.
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