“It’s the most popular show on TV! How can you not like it?” my husband, Jake, exclaimed as I hurried up the stairs after enduring just ten minutes of Game of Thrones. The unsettling imagery left me feeling physically ill, and I had to escape, not only from the room but from the very energy of the television. The haunting visuals and sounds seemed to cling to me, fueling my anxiety for days.
Even as a teenager, while my friends delighted in horror movies with snacks in hand, I felt uneasy. The memory of watching Poltergeist in my friend’s basement still sends my heart racing. Even classics like The Lost Boys are too intense for me.
For a long time, I believed I was managing my fear of fear. I would avoid situations that made me uncomfortable, like a radar detecting danger. Some might label it intuition; others might call it anxiety.
To me, it was simply a constant state of unease, but I managed to go about my life without it drastically affecting my day-to-day existence. Then, a traumatic experience intensified my fears.
Twelve years back, while shopping with my best friend, a man with a gun shouted threats right behind me. We were mere steps from the exit, yet it felt like we were running for our lives. My thoughts were consumed by worries about my children, who were just 6 months, 2, and 3 years old. Thankfully, we escaped unharmed, but the experience left me utterly drained in the aftermath.
Just a week later, while waiting in a crowded gas station with my kids, panic struck. My mind spiraled into a frenzy, and I couldn’t fathom how to protect my family if something went wrong. It was my first panic attack, and I had no clue what was happening.
Months passed, and I planned a routine trip to visit a friend. However, I couldn’t shake the fear of getting lost. I pushed myself to go, but I struggled to eat and began seeing imaginary obstacles on the road. This marked the beginning of my avoidance—first of road trips, then unfamiliar destinations altogether.
A few hours before bed, eating would lead me to nightmares, so I learned to avoid late-night snacks. Scary movies or disturbing books were completely off-limits; anything that wasn’t lighthearted sent my anxiety skyrocketing, making me dread the impact on my mind later.
I lived with this secret for years, unaware that it could be addressed. It became a burden that began to control my life. It wasn’t until I discovered the term “phobophobia” that everything clicked into place. Facing this reality was daunting, making me feel weak and ashamed.
Phobophobia refers to an exaggerated fear response. Unlike typical phobias that focus on specific objects or situations, phobophobia is the fear of the fear itself. Acknowledging this empowered me to begin breaking free from its grasp.
I realized I wasn’t just scared of being afraid; I was terrified of discomfort. As my children grew tired of my fears and my marriage faltered, I knew I had to confront this before I retreated into isolation.
Cognitive therapy played a crucial role in my healing journey. Understanding the connection between my thoughts and actions was vital. It has taken considerable practice, and I still work on it daily.
As explained by Very Well, “If you have phobophobia, you are likely the opposite of an adrenaline junkie. Rather than experiencing a thrill when facing your fears, you may go out of your way to avoid any situation that causes heightened anxiety.”
Though I’ve made progress, challenges still arise. Just a few weeks ago, while navigating a busy city, I froze when I saw a pregnant woman about to cross the street without checking for traffic. Overwhelmed, I handed the wheel over to my sister. Yet, I’ve also driven that same route successfully multiple times since.
Anxiety is tricky; it can trick you into believing you’ve conquered it, only to remind you of its presence when you least expect it. The emotional toll can be exhausting.
Now that I recognize phobophobia as a symptom of my anxiety, I’ve begun taking small steps toward overcoming it. While I still shy away from scary films, I find freedom in not being paralyzed by fear of fear itself. This journey has not only liberated me but has also benefited my children.
Life is too precious to hide from the unknown due to fear of what might happen.
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Summary:
This piece discusses the author’s struggle with phobophobia, an overwhelming fear of fear itself. Through personal anecdotes, the author shares how traumatic experiences escalated their anxiety and led to avoidance behaviors. Ultimately, they highlight the importance of recognizing phobophobia, engaging in cognitive therapy, and taking steps toward reclaiming control over their life.