There’s nothing quite like a family trip to reveal the stressors in a marriage.
“Oh no… I missed my turn!”
“What do you mean you missed your turn?”
“I mean, I completely missed it.”
“Are you joking?”
“No.”
“Why didn’t you pay attention?”
“I was chatting with the kids.”
“You can’t focus on the kids and navigate at the same time?”
“I wasn’t aware it was coming up.”
“Why didn’t you ask for directions?”
“Because I didn’t think I needed to.”
“Well, it seems you did.”
It’s just a ten-minute detour, but it feels like a pivotal moment in our relationship — one of many. We pushed through this one, eventually. Still, these moments of tension always seem to appear when you least expect them.
Currently, my partner and I are often in a state of mild annoyance with one another. I like to think that our frustration is more directed at the little tornadoes running around our once-quiet home. More often than not, I find myself inhaling deeply, forcing a smile, and speaking to my children with clenched teeth.
But that irritation has to go somewhere, so I end up taking it out on David.
I can recall a time when I eagerly anticipated my husband’s return home, counting down the seconds until I could see him again. Nowadays, when he arrives, my first thought is, “Finally, I have backup!” But then he wants to take off his shoes, change clothes, or, heaven forbid, use the bathroom.
The other day, my daughter asked, “Mom, isn’t it funny that Dad’s an adult, but you still tell him how long he can stay in the bathroom?” Nope, Lucy, that’s not amusing at all.
I guess he doesn’t find my behavior particularly endearing either. I can be irritable, controlling, and overly emotional at times. I can understand why he might not appreciate me every day. Honestly, there are moments when I struggle to like myself.
Right now, my primary goal for the next few years is mere survival. I’m just hoping to make it until all three of them are in school, learning to take care of their own needs, and understanding why it’s dangerous to run into traffic. If I can get that far, I might start focusing on becoming a better, more enjoyable person.
Until then, I’m grateful that, at the end of the day, he’s still there by my side. Despite this challenging season of young children, we are committed to each other.
I’ve realized that life, especially marriage, is made up of different seasons. I didn’t always recognize this truth. I used to believe that the current state of our relationship defined our future. If we weren’t in sync today, I thought we would never be. If I felt unhappy one day, I feared that feeling would persist.
When we moved to a new city, it felt like we were living in two separate worlds. His world was bright and cheerful, while mine felt heavy and dark. At night, an invisible barrier seemed to exist between us. We could touch, but our true selves felt distant.
I can’t pinpoint when that wall came down; it merely faded over time. One evening, I turned to him and realized that barrier was gone. We had made it through a difficult season.
Now, I strive to manage my emotions better and view our current challenges as just another phase — one filled with ups and downs that will eventually pass.
When I see things this way, I can savor the joyful moments, knowing they won’t last forever, and endure the tough times, recognizing they too will eventually fade away. Perhaps not entirely gone, but certainly passed.
I suspect that in the future, we’ll look back at these challenging seasons with the fondest memories. “I can’t believe we survived those hectic years with little ones,” he’ll say as we relax on the porch. “Or that transition to a new city,” I’ll add, pulling my scarf tight around my neck. (It’s always fall in my ideal future.)
We’ll be grateful for what we have endured together. My understanding of love has evolved over the years, and it will continue to do so. Nowadays, I see love as being present for one another even when feelings aren’t at their best.
It may not be what I envisioned before marriage, but in its own way, it’s more beautiful. Right now, amid the chaos of young children, that commitment is enough.
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Summary:
Marriage can be challenging during the years of raising young children, but this phase is temporary. As couples navigate irritations and frustrations, it’s important to recognize that these moments will pass and can ultimately strengthen the bond. Embracing the ups and downs of this season can lead to greater appreciation and fond memories in the future.