You might assume I’m too busy or that I have something more exciting lined up. Perhaps you worry I’m distancing myself from our friendship, or maybe you think I’m just not fun anymore. There are countless reasons you could speculate about why I often say “no” to your invitations for a girls’ night out or an evening dinner without the kids. It may seem puzzling how I transitioned from the go-to person for late-night fun to someone who struggles to make it to a 5 p.m. barbecue.
So let me clear the air: I decline because of sleep.
If you spent more time with me, you’d notice that I have two distinct sides. One side is upbeat, chatty, and genuinely enjoys connecting with people. This version of me can engage in thoughtful discussions on topics ranging from reality TV to serious issues with the confidence of a seasoned debater. She prioritizes healthy eating, exercises regularly, and manages anxiety with ease. This version of me is dedicated to my children, handles their meltdowns with grace, and generally feels in control of my surroundings. On the other hand, the second version is drained and negative. She gets overwhelmed by trivial matters, struggles to think clearly, and feels like the world is against her. It’s hard for her to articulate thoughts, leading to frustration and, at times, irritability with my kids. All she wants is to collapse on the couch, counting the minutes until bedtime.
Sleep deprivation has a profound impact on my anxiety, and I often shift between these two versions based on how well I’ve rested. There are days when I feel completely unbothered, but then there are others when anxiety overwhelms me, making it challenging to function. And yes, this is directly related to sleep.
Long before I became a parent, I was aware of how crucial sleep is for my mental health. Shortly after marrying, I faced a medical crisis that left me recovering from surgery and unable to navigate stairs. My days and nights blurred together as I spiraled into anxiety, feeling trapped. A therapist offered a simple yet transformative piece of advice: maintain a consistent sleep schedule. She emphasized the link between sleep and emotional well-being, supported by numerous studies connecting sleep loss to anxiety. Eager to improve my sleep habits, I dove headfirst into creating a new routine.
Regulating my sleep schedule wasn’t a walk in the park. Weekdays meant early mornings, so weekends had to mirror that. This shift altered the dynamics in some friendships; late-night outings and spontaneous parties became a thing of the past. Surprisingly, we often found ourselves leaving events early, as I embraced a self-imposed bedtime.
I’m fortunate to have a partner who adapted alongside me. Our mornings shifted from late-night drinks to cozy coffee rituals, and we made it a point to have dinner around 5 p.m., with lights out by 9. I was teased for being “old,” but I firmly believed this version of myself was better for everyone involved.
After two years, we welcomed a beautiful baby girl, which, as any new mother can attest, completely upended my sleep routine. The first six weeks were brutal—she didn’t sleep, and neither did I. Breastfeeding was a struggle, and I felt the weight of the world pressing down on me again. Eventually, we switched to formula, and both of us began to catch some much-needed sleep. It was a difficult choice, but I recognized the importance of nourishment for my daughter and mental stability for myself.
Now that I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, every evening feels like a gamble when it comes to sleep. We might enjoy two weeks of good rest, followed by nights of endless wakefulness. At this point, I must stick to my bedtime routine, even if it means saying no to social gatherings I would otherwise love to attend. Prioritizing my mental health is essential for both myself and my family.
Someday, I hope to reclaim my late-night adventures, but for now, I’ll stick to daytime or early evening outings. Rest assured, the fun side of me is still here; she just comes out before 9 p.m.
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