I often wonder why there’s no section on “how to maintain your relationship while naming your baby” in marriage counseling. Trust me, I’ve been through a fair share of counseling sessions, so I can speak from experience.
I believe that baby naming should be a critical topic in any relationship guidance program because, let’s be real: differing opinions on names can make you question your entire partnership. The name selection process is incredibly stressful. It was one of the toughest challenges we faced as a couple. When you throw in conflicting perspectives, that stress multiplies. I can’t say for sure how my partner felt, but I found myself genuinely offended by some of his suggestions.
Looking back, I may have felt a bit entitled. While parenting would be a shared endeavor, I figured my opinion should hold more weight since I was carrying the baby (and likely would be doing more of the post-birth work due to societal norms). My partner, however, had other ideas. So, like many couples with strong personalities, we ended up arguing about it.
Involving our families in the discussion didn’t help either. Our families are polar opposites, and this difference was reflected in their naming suggestions. My relatives favored powerful names with historical significance, such as Malcolm and Anthony, while I won’t even begin to discuss the names his family proposed.
I considered how much more involved my family would be, and I felt that the level of involvement should influence whose opinion mattered more. Honestly, the names suggested by his family weren’t terrible, but they didn’t have the “safe” feel that my family’s choices had. I was apprehensive about the potential uniqueness of our children’s names.
Choosing a baby name is particularly challenging for Black families. For us, name selection can significantly impact our children’s futures in a society that is already biased against them. The thought of how a name might restrict their opportunities was sometimes overwhelming.
With my own unique name and a long hyphenated last name from marrying a multi-ethnic Black man, I’ve personally witnessed the effects names can have on life experiences. And for people of color, these experiences are often magnified.
My children’s names needed to be distinctive, but not to the point where they’d have to endure teachers fumbling over pronunciations, as I did throughout my life. Research shows that names perceived as “too Black or ethnic” can hinder job prospects, regardless of qualifications, compared to more traditionally white names like Jennifer and Caitlin.
I wanted names that would simplify my children’s lives, yet our family identity was anything but simple. We are an eclectic mix of nerdy, unconventional, and a bit witchy. A common name just wouldn’t suffice. We wanted names that celebrated our uniqueness without leading to stereotypes about who our children would become.
As I examined the suggestions from my partner’s family, I realized they were unconventional yet authentic, just like us. After months of stress over naming, I wanted to shift the focus back to who we were as a family rather than what others expected. We began exploring earthy names that resonated with our family’s identity.
Once we centered our discussions around our family’s vision rather than external pressures, everything fell into place. Name conversations became moments of connection rather than frustration.
Now, we have two wonderful Black children with distinctive, earthy names that fit perfectly with our family dynamic. We frequently receive compliments on how well their names suit them.
Navigating the naming process as a Black family comes with its own set of challenges, but somehow we managed to do it twice. Here’s hoping we won’t have to go through it a third time!
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Summary:
Choosing a baby name can be a complicated process, especially for Black families navigating societal biases. The author reflects on their personal naming journey, marked by strong opinions from both partners and families. Ultimately, they found a way to select names that celebrate their unique identity while simplifying their children’s lives.