Last week, after years of keeping it hidden, I publicly came out as gay. The experience of coming out is rarely straightforward. For me, it was made even more complex by my age—nearly 40, married with two kids—and the fact that I have a substantial social media presence, with followers who have supported my writing since 2012. I felt it was important to share my truth with those who have been part of my journey.
While I understand that I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my personal life, my relationship with my followers has always been about authenticity. I write openly about my experiences, my relationships, and the novels inspired by my long-held struggles. It felt disingenuous to move forward as an openly gay woman without addressing my past with those who have supported me all these years. So, I shared my story.
In doing so, I had a revelation: People often don’t truly know one another. We rarely allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to foster genuine connections. What we perceive about someone through social media or brief encounters is just the surface. Behind the façade of curated posts and seemingly perfect lives, there are untold stories and struggles. How often do we truly connect with someone to the point that they feel safe enough to drop their defenses? It’s a rarity. Until I came out, only a handful of close friends were aware of my sexual orientation.
Following my announcement, I was inundated with messages. Many were from individuals grappling with their own hidden truths, living lives that feel untrue to themselves, and afraid of the repercussions of being honest. They’ve been pretending, and nobody knows their real stories.
Are painful secrets simply part of being human? Do we all carry a burden that we can’t share? Each day, we interact with countless people, often assuming we know their narratives based on snippets we catch in passing conversations or social media updates. Most of us are too busy with our own challenges to question whether we’re seeing the full picture. Yet, revealing our own truths often encourages others to do the same. When I came out, I noticed a profound openness from others, showing how much people long to be seen and understood.
Few individuals embody the phrase “what you see is what you get.” Most of us harbor private struggles or significant secrets we feel we can’t disclose. Some of the messages I received mirrored my own journey: “I’m gay too, but I can’t tell anyone.” Others addressed different yet equally heavy topics: “I want to leave my husband, but he says he’ll harm himself if I do.” “I’m battling an addiction to pain relievers, and no one knows.”
While many messages of support warmed my heart, it was the ones revealing similar struggles that truly moved me. It’s incredibly isolating to bear a significant burden alone, yet so many of us do just that. Your coworker, the stranger on the subway, or the friend who seems overly cheerful—each is likely facing their own unseen battle. We often feel isolated, but we don’t have to.
I am not suggesting everyone should spill their secrets; such revelations should come when the time is right. However, we can practice more compassion, recognizing that behind every half-hearted smile or distracted “I’m fine,” there might be a deeper story. Our burdens may feel solitary, but they are shared in some way by many. Embracing this understanding can foster greater kindness in our interactions.
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In summary, my coming out journey revealed not just my own struggles but also highlighted the often-hidden pain that others carry. By sharing our truths, we can create a more compassionate world where understanding and support flourish.