I first met my husband in the autumn of 1996. We were just kids—he was 11 while I, being six months older, had recently turned 12. Our world was innocent and carefree, but as the years passed, everything changed. The boy from my art class transformed into someone who struggled with alcoholism—a serious, life-altering condition.
Despite his struggles, he managed to maintain a functional facade, holding various jobs, achieving promotions, and earning multiple degrees with distinction. We even got married and welcomed two beautiful children into our lives. Yet, his battle with alcohol consumed days and weeks, leaving him feeling empty, while I became emotionally withdrawn in an effort to cope.
The silver lining is that he eventually sought help, achieving sobriety. This September, we will celebrate five years of being alcohol-free. Throughout our more than two decades together, I’ve learned invaluable lessons about loving someone with an addiction. With over 15 million Americans grappling with alcoholism, I feel compelled to share these insights.
Let me emphasize: whether the alcoholic in your life is a parent, spouse, child, or friend, their condition is not your fault. It doesn’t stem from something you did or didn’t do, nor is it a reflection of their feelings for you. The toxic thought that “if they loved me enough” they would change only harms you. Their struggle with alcohol is separate from your worth and well-being.
Here are some key lessons I’ve learned:
- Alcoholism is a Disease, Not a Choice
It’s crucial to understand that alcoholism is a complex disease, not something your loved one can simply will themselves out of. This point cannot be stressed enough. - Don’t Tolerate Unacceptable Behavior
We all make mistakes when drinking, but that doesn’t justify being mistreated. You should never feel like a punching bag. Establish firm boundaries for your well-being. - Prioritize Your Health
Taking care of yourself may seem selfish, especially when someone you love is struggling. However, you can’t support them if you’re running on empty. Remember, codependency often complicates recovery. - Seek Support
You’re not alone in this journey. While resources for alcoholics are plentiful, those supporting them often feel lost. Organizations like Al-Anon offer meetings across the country for people worried about someone’s drinking. Online support groups are also available. - Set Clear Boundaries
It’s essential to know your limits. Decide what behaviors you can accept and draw a firm line. For instance, you might say, “I won’t drink with you” or “I won’t support your habit financially.” - Remember the Three Cs
You didn’t cause the addiction, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Accepting this reality is liberating.
For more detailed information on navigating relationships with alcoholics, check out resources like the NHS, which provides excellent guidance on treatments and support, or explore our other insightful posts.
In summary, living with an alcoholic can be an isolating experience, but it’s vital to remember that you’re not alone. Prioritize your well-being, set firm boundaries, and reach out for help. There is hope, and support is available.