Where has the community of my childhood gone? During my time living in Turkey for the first seven years of my son’s life, I relished having a close-knit circle of friends and neighbors. There was a sense of collective parenting that I grew accustomed to; strangers would often lend a hand, whether it was picking up my son when he fell down or entertaining him while I enjoyed a meal. We both felt at ease with the support of those around us.
When I returned to the U.S., I naively thought it would be a seamless transition. After all, this is where I grew up. My hometown in Michigan was a place where kids rode their bikes freely, visiting each other’s homes and enjoying the watchful eyes of parents nearby. My own mother often relied on our neighbors, knowing they would keep an eye on us if we wandered out of sight. That sense of community felt like a safety net.
With my family living just a short distance away, I spent countless hours at my grandparents’ or my aunts’ homes. Snow days were often spent with Grandma while our parents worked, and grocery shopping felt like a breeze, with my sisters and me happily entertained in the car. The parenting challenges of the 1980s seem almost quaint compared to today’s struggles.
Returning to the U.S. as a single mom, graduate student, and working parent was an icy shock to my system. I found myself eight hours away from the nearest family member, facing realities that made parenting feel much lonelier. There was no backup plan if my son had an early dismissal or a snow day; he accompanied me to the office, often causing disruptions that attracted curious glances and unwelcome criticism.
I turned to other mothers at school for guidance, but their vague responses left me feeling isolated. I longed for a simple exchange, like, “I’ll take your child on this half day if you take mine on the next.” Yet, no offers came, and I felt overwhelmed and disheartened. When discussing my struggles with my parents, they reminded me that they managed just fine when I was young. “But it’s different now!” I wanted to shout. Many parents today lack nearby family support, leaving us to navigate this maze alone.
How were single parents making it work? Childcare costs are exorbitant, and the days of leaving children with neighbors or in cars while running errands are long gone. Today, the fear of unwarranted calls to child protective services looms large, making it difficult to find help without the proper licenses.
Eventually, I decided to take a stand and create my own community. I reached out to other parents at school drop-off and pick-up times, inviting them for coffee and playdates. Instead of waiting for someone to offer help, I made direct requests for support on half days and snow days. To my surprise, they agreed! While it wasn’t as spontaneous as the connections I remembered from my childhood, we worked out a system that benefited everyone involved.
I also connected with fellow graduate students, proposing a barter: I would cook meals for them in exchange for babysitting. This led to unexpected collaborations, including two faculty members seeking help for their teenagers to learn responsibility through babysitting gigs. We created a new kind of village.
This modern village may look different, but it’s built on mutual support. I learned that many parents shy away from asking for help, fearing they will impose. It’s crucial to be open about our needs and to offer support when we can. I also make it a point to compliment other mothers, reminding them that they’re doing a great job, especially on tough days when a kind word can make all the difference.
Join me in embracing this new form of community, where we support one another through the challenges of parenthood. We all need each other.
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Summary:
In navigating the challenges of parenting without a traditional support system, I discovered the importance of actively building a new community. By reaching out and asking for help, I was able to create a modern village that supports both my needs and those of other parents. Through mutual aid and encouragement, we can redefine what community looks like today.