One of the most tedious tasks I face as a parent is trimming the fingernails of my four little ones. That’s 80 nails to clip—100 if I include my own! Consequently, it’s a chore that often gets overlooked in the chaos of our busy household. Unless my kids are scratching themselves or others, nail trimming tends to slide down my to-do list. If that’s my biggest parenting flaw, I can live with it.
However, it seems that not everyone shares my relaxed attitude towards what I consider minor details.
When my twins were nearing their first birthday, I took them for a well-baby visit. We were already late, they were crying, my husband was stuck at work, I had forgotten the snacks, and one of them managed to create a mess in his diaper right outside the pediatrician’s office. Naturally! As I changed him in the back of our SUV, I noticed his nails looked like they belonged to Edward Scissorhands.
Oh boy.
We barely made it into the office when the nurse, while weighing my little ones, glanced at his nails and exclaimed, “Oh! Mommy needs to trim your nails!” She shot me a disapproving look, implying I had somehow been neglectful.
This kind of situation happens too often to mothers, doesn’t it? She didn’t say, “Daddy needs to trim your nails.” No, it was all on me. Though her comment was minor, it reflected a larger societal issue that makes many mothers feel like failures.
I know I’m a good mom. Deep down, I’m aware of it. My husband, my friends, and even my kids (unless I ask them to do chores or take away their devices, in which case I become the “worst mom ever”) recognize it too. Yet, for many great mothers, society often fails to see our worth. The reality is, regardless of our efforts, expectations placed on mothers are often unreasonably high, while our efforts go unrecognized.
Sanctimonious parents suggest that if we gave up our rare moments of self-care, we could be better. If we nursed longer, perhaps we’d feel more secure in our parenting. If we were of a different age, emotionally astute, or financially secure, maybe we wouldn’t feel so inadequate.
Maybe. It’s a heavy word, isn’t it? While we all have room for improvement, I often wonder when we will stop to reflect on the toll this constant striving takes on our mental health.
Let’s be clear: mothers everywhere would do anything for their children. Yet, when it comes to the nitty-gritty of everyday motherhood, we can’t continue pouring from an empty cup. Unfortunately, society seems to demand just that.
But we are enough.
We give our all until we’re completely drained, but we are human too. We make mistakes, question our decisions, and stumble through the day. Yet we rise each morning, ready to try again. For 18+ years and counting, we do this because we love our little ones, who are often the reason behind our persistent dark circles.
For many of us, simply “raising children” isn’t sufficient. We desire to provide them with a joyful and peaceful childhood. We want to be their safe haven. However, we can’t be everything to everyone all the time without considering our own needs. When we attempt to do so, it often leads to chaos for the entire family.
Why is this the case? Why is it that a dad can enjoy a hot meal while mom is still juggling the kids and their plates? Why do we see a mother with several children and think more about her family’s size rather than celebrating her? And why can’t a mother nurse her child in public—no matter their age—without feeling shame or hesitation?
Some parents let their kids munch on day-old snacks found under the couch, while others only allow organic, wholesome foods. No matter the approach, we all face the reality of having failed at some point, which leads to feelings of inadequacy. This “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality surrounding motherhood is exhausting.
In our quest to be the best for our children, we often mistake “best” for “perfect.” This misconception tears at our hearts for no valid reason. If it weren’t for external pressures, we would likely parent by pure instinct. Yet, it’s virtually impossible to escape the societal narrative that places immense expectations on mothers.
Our instincts are clouded by the opinions of others, but we are enough. What works for one child or parent may not suit another. Many of us rely on a blend of professional advice, our partner’s insights, and our gut feelings.
We are the mothers that friends and family label as “good,” and we experience failures daily. But despite these failures, we are not failures.
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Summary:
Motherhood can often leave women feeling like they are failing, especially when faced with societal pressures and unrealistic expectations. Despite the daily struggles and the feeling of inadequacy, mothers are doing their best and are inherently valuable. It’s essential to recognize that every parent has their own unique way of raising children, and no one should feel like a failure for their approach.