If I had a dollar for every disapproving glance I received from strangers while my son was crying in public, I could probably buy a cozy cabin in the mountains. Okay, maybe not a cabin, but you understand my point. Like many toddlers, my son has his moments of loud outbursts at the most unexpected times. Whether he’s upset after a tumble at the playground or simply frustrated because I said no to a cookie, tears are often part of the package.
Navigating these emotional storms, especially in public settings, can be incredibly stressful. It’s tough to maintain composure with all those eyes on me while I frantically search for a toy or snack to soothe him. In these high-pressure moments, patience and empathy can feel like distant goals. However, our reactions as parents in these situations are crucial. I’ve spent a lot of time learning how to manage my own stress and respond to my son with kindness and understanding. This shift required me to rethink how I perceive his intense emotions and how I should react to them.
Before becoming a parent, I held the common belief that when a child is upset, you should tell them “you’re okay” or “don’t cry” to help them feel better. At first glance, this seems logical, as every parent wants their child to be happy. But what do these phrases really communicate to our children?
To me, “you’re okay” is frustrating to hear when I’m upset. If I’m feeling down, I certainly don’t feel okay. When we tell our kids “you’re okay,” even with the best intentions, we inadvertently dismiss their feelings, suggesting that their emotions aren’t valid. Even if we think their reactions are trivial or exaggerated, their feelings are genuine and deserve acknowledgment. Imagine how you would feel if someone brushed aside your emotions during a difficult time. By responding with empathy, we teach our children to recognize and manage their feelings.
Similarly, the phrase “don’t cry” has always rubbed me the wrong way. Society often labels crying as a sign of weakness, yet it’s a healthy outlet for emotions—especially in toddlers. After a good cry, I often feel a sense of relief, as if my emotions have been given the freedom to express themselves. The same holds true for our children, who may cry more frequently as part of their normal development.
It’s natural for parents to feel uncomfortable when their child is crying, leading us to push them to suppress their emotions. When we say “don’t cry,” we are often conveying our discomfort rather than addressing their feelings. As parents, we should strive to be a safe emotional haven for our children, where they feel free to express their big emotions without fear of judgment.
When a child is upset, they need reassurance that we understand and empathize with their feelings—even if we don’t fully grasp their perspective. We’ve all experienced the frustration of wanting to be heard during an argument. Our children are no different; they crave validation. By meeting their emotional needs rather than shutting them down, we equip them with essential skills for managing their emotions as they grow.
L.R. Knost captures this beautifully: “Just as rain doesn’t create drought, feasts don’t create hunger, and generosity doesn’t create poverty, meeting a child’s needs for attachment, attention, and affection in childhood doesn’t create needy adults. A child whose emotional needs are nourished tends to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.”
Reacting with anger or frustration when our child is emotional is easy, and I speak from experience. However, by employing a few strategies and trying to see things from my son’s perspective, I’ve seen tears dry up more quickly, fostering a trusting relationship between us.
When my son tumbles or starts to cry, I instinctively kneel down to his level. This simple action signals that I am fully present and attentive. Next, I ask, “Are you okay?” Sometimes he simply brushes himself off, while other times, he clearly needs comfort. I then try to help him articulate his feelings, saying something like, “Did that make you feel sad?” Identifying emotions is key to learning how to cope with them.
I also offer hugs or cuddles, but if he prefers to express his feelings freely, I respect that too. It’s important to let him know I’m here for him, even if we’re in the grocery store. If necessary, I’ll find a quieter spot where he can feel safe to express himself. This reassures him that I care and understand his feelings.
Once he’s calmed down, I find it’s more effective to have a conversation. I firmly believe that even toddlers can benefit from explanations, but only after they’re emotionally ready. This approach is informed by Dr. Bruce Perry, a neuroscientist specializing in trauma, who emphasizes the need to first help children regulate their emotions, then relate to them, and finally, reason with them. When I adopted this strategy, I noticed my son calming down much faster.
By responding to our children’s emotional needs with patience and compassion, we teach them invaluable coping skills that will serve them throughout their lives. While it’s challenging, it’s essential to remember that perfection isn’t the goal. If we treat our children with respect and empathy, we can nurture a generation that is emotionally intelligent and equipped to navigate the world.
For those interested in more insights about parenting and emotional development, check out this post and this resource. Additionally, March of Dimes offers excellent guidance on fertility and parenting.
In summary, instead of telling our children to “don’t cry,” we should embrace their emotional expressions as an essential part of their growth. By validating their feelings and providing a safe space for emotional expression, we can foster resilience and emotional intelligence in our children.