Every time my partner is away for an extended period—whether on a trip or working late—I find myself feeling stressed about managing everything alone. Surprisingly, though, I’ve discovered that things actually become a lot easier in his absence.
Now, don’t get me wrong: my partner is a fantastic dad and a supportive teammate when it comes to parenting. When he returns after being away, I definitely notice the difference in how much he contributes to the kids. However, when it comes to household chores—like cleaning up spills, taking out the trash (which is usually his responsibility), and keeping the space tidy—I realize that things run more smoothly without him around.
While he’s not the messiest person out there, he tends to leave a sock or a damp towel lying around more frequently than I do. Moreover, he doesn’t always recognize the messes as I do, which adds to the challenge. A significant reason for the added stress is that I often find myself reminding him to complete various tasks. I hadn’t fully grasped how this constant nagging impacted me until now.
Interestingly, I’m not alone in this observation. A study from the University of Michigan in 2008 explored how household chores are divided among couples today compared to the 1970s. The findings were quite eye-opening. While men are contributing more than they used to, the facts show that being married adds about 7 hours of household chores to a woman’s weekly routine. In contrast, having a wife actually reduces a man’s household work by an hour.
You might wonder how that can be? Researchers found that in 2005, single women without children did around 10 hours of housework weekly, while married women without kids clocked in at 17 hours. This indicates that having a husband at home doesn’t alleviate the workload for women; it actually increases it.
The reverse situation isn’t much better. The study showed that unmarried men without children managed about 8 hours of housework each week, but when a wife enters the equation, that number drops to 7 hours. Essentially, while marriage seems to benefit men in terms of lessening their responsibilities, women end up with more.
There is a silver lining, though. The researchers noted that there has been some improvement since the 70s. Back in 1976, married women did 9 more hours of housework compared to their single counterparts. By 2005, that gap had narrowed to just 4 hours—still a lot, but progress nonetheless.
Additionally, men are stepping up, even if it’s hard to notice. In 1976, married men spent three fewer hours on housework than single men, but by 2005, they were putting in 5 more hours a week than their single peers. It seems we’re moving forward, albeit slowly.
So, where does this leave couples like me? My priority is to help my partner understand the imbalance in our household responsibilities. Whether it’s due to societal norms or different upbringings, he often fails to notice the messes or doesn’t feel the urgency to address them. This has led to me feeling overwhelmed with both the chores and the mental load of ensuring they get done.
We’re actively working on this issue through open conversations, which sometimes get heated. I refuse to let things remain unequal, and thankfully, he is the type of person who wants to help lighten my load. It’s crucial we call out these imbalances and expect change—after all, it’s 2019, and it’s time for a more equitable division of labor.
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