Last week, as I prepared a quick snack for my four energetic children, the internet installer made his way in and out of our home. On his third pass through the kitchen, he asked, “Are you running a daycare?” I laughed and replied, “Nope, we’re just a big family.”
I understood his assumption—he saw a white woman surrounded by four black children and jumped to the conclusion that I must be their caregiver. In our multiracial family, we often encounter comments, questions, smiles, and curious stares wherever we go. Even though 40% of adoptions are transracial, many people are still surprised to see us together as a family.
Despite our diverse appearances and the absence of biological ties, we are indeed a real family. Our status as an adoptive family often invites inquiries about our journey. I’ve realized that there are numerous misconceptions, stereotypes, and myths surrounding adoption, the adoptees, and those who choose to adopt.
Myth #1: Adoption is always expensive.
It’s true that some adoption paths can be costly. For instance, domestic infant adoptions can range from $35,000 to $50,000, while international adoptions may be even pricier. The costs arise from various factors, including fingerprinting, background checks, legal fees, and travel expenses.
However, adopting from the foster care system is free. In the U.S., there are around 400,000 children in foster care, with 100,000 waiting for adoption. Many of these children are older, part of sibling groups, or have special needs. Families can also explore various financial options to make adoption more affordable, such as grants, employer benefits, and fundraising. The federal adoption tax credit currently stands at $14,080 for eligible expenses.
Myth #2: Transracial adoption is no big deal.
Being part of a multiracial family adds layers of complexity—especially in adoption. Our family’s transracial dynamic is often a point of public scrutiny. I’ve found myself in various situations, like the time an older woman approached me in a store, bombarding me with questions about my children’s backgrounds, as if I were on trial.
While we often receive compliments like, “Thank you for giving those kids a home,” it’s essential for prospective parents to understand the realities of raising children of a different race. Colorblindness is a myth; children of color need parents who can help them build racial identity and confidence.
Myth #3: After adoption, pregnancy is guaranteed.
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard someone say, “You’ll get pregnant after adopting.” This assumption implies that adoption is a fallback option for those who can’t conceive. In reality, many parents adopt for various reasons beyond infertility; for some, like me, health issues may complicate pregnancy, while others simply feel called to adopt.
There’s no substantial evidence indicating that adoptive parents frequently conceive after adoption. The notion that pregnancy is inevitable post-adoption is both presumptuous and reductive.
Myth #4: Love alone is sufficient for adopted children.
While love is vital, it is not the only requirement for adopted children. Adoptees may face unique challenges, including issues with attachment and identity, especially in transracial families. Research indicates that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adopted individuals.
Love forms a strong foundation, but it’s not the sole answer. Many adoptive families seek specialized therapists to support their children and employ tailored parenting methods to address their unique needs.
Myth #5: Open adoption means sharing parenting responsibilities.
Open adoption involves maintaining contact between the adoptee and their biological family, which can range from emails to in-person visits. In fact, 95% of domestic infant adoptions are open.
This arrangement allows children to access important information, like medical history, and helps foster connections with their birth families. While each of my children has an open adoption with their birth families, this does not equate to co-parenting. We are the legal guardians, taking on all parental roles, from caring for our children when they’re sick to nurturing their growth.
Open adoption is simply part of our norm. Our kids have always known they were adopted, so having all their parents involved in their lives does not confuse them. We’re grateful for our children’s birth families, navigating the joys and challenges together.
If you see my lively family out and about, a simple compliment like “You have a beautiful family” or “I understand, mom” is always appreciated. Questions about my fertility or whether my kids are “real” siblings? Not so much.
For more insights on adoption and family dynamics, you can check out this informative post on privacy policies. Additionally, if you’re interested in exploring home insemination options, look into this comprehensive guide on artificial insemination kits.
Summary
Adoption is surrounded by many myths and misconceptions. Understanding the financial implications, the significance of race in adoption, the reality of pregnancy after adoption, the depth of love needed, and the nature of open adoption is crucial for those considering or involved in the adoption journey. By dispelling these myths, we can foster a more informed and supportive community for adoptive families.