As I approach 30, I find myself more uncertain about my identity than ever before. In my younger years, life felt straightforward, and I believed I had a solid grasp of who I was. Yet, with each passing year, I’m confronted with more questions than resolutions.
One of the most pressing inquiries I face relates to my sexuality. I’m married to a cisgender man and together we have several children. I love him and feel a deep attraction to him, yet I also find women—both cis and trans—as well as trans men appealing. My sexual fluidity means that I don’t adhere strictly to one orientation or another.
Not long ago, I started to label myself as bisexual, which was technically accurate but didn’t encapsulate my full experience. There were months when I didn’t feel attracted to women at all, and even periods when I felt no attraction to anyone. The term “heteroflexible” seemed to fit but also felt dismissive of the complexity of my identity, contributing to the bi-erasure that I find so frustrating. Meanwhile, “pansexual” felt overly trendy and not quite reflective of my reality.
Navigating this identity is complicated, especially considering my past. I experienced abuse as a child, which has undoubtedly impacted my relationship with my sexuality. I often wonder how my life might have been different if I had been able to explore my sexual interests freely. Would I feel less shame? Would I articulate my experiences more clearly? Or, more distressingly, might I have ended up with a partner other than a cis man, free from the constraints of stigma?
I sometimes ponder how to communicate my fluid identity to my children. My hope is that by being transparent, they can grow to understand that one doesn’t have to conform to a binary view of sexuality. But I worry it may be too much for them, given that the only relationship they typically see is the one I have with their father.
Fortunately, my husband lacks a background of childhood trauma, which makes it difficult for him to grasp the complexities of my feelings. To him, my bisexuality is simple; I’m committed to him, and that’s what matters. While he has suggested exploring group dynamics, I’ve expressed that I’m not ready for that yet, and he respects my boundaries.
Lately, I’ve found solace in identifying as “queer,” a broader label that signifies deviation from societal norms. However, I often feel compelled to keep this identity hidden, primarily because I’m in a monogamous relationship with a man and benefit from a significant amount of straight-passing privilege. Only my closest friends know about my struggles with this label, even though I believe queerness best captures my essence. I hope for the day when I can fully embrace that identity without fear.
Pride Month poses particular challenges for me. I crave a sense of community that understands my complexities, but the thought of revealing my truth, especially to my family, often pushes me back into the closet. Instead, I find myself supporting others who live authentically, liking their posts and engaging in conversations with my husband about things I wish I could do but haven’t found the courage to pursue.
Perhaps in the future, my husband and I will consider opening our relationship to explore non-monogamy. While it has its challenges, the idea of having a partner who supports my journey provides some comfort.
Ultimately, I’m still uncertain about the label that fits me best. I often feel like a blend of everything and nothing at once. I’m confident in my attractions but perplexed by where I fit in a world that demands specificity. Each day, I strive to care a little less about societal expectations. I am who I am. I love who I love. Above all, the most fitting label is simply “me.”
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Summary
Navigating the complexities of sexual identity can be particularly challenging for individuals like me, who find themselves in heterosexual relationships while identifying as queer. The struggle to find an appropriate label is compounded by past experiences and societal expectations. Ultimately, embracing my identity as “me” seems to be the most authentic approach, allowing me to appreciate my attractions without feeling confined by the need for specific labels.