On a bright afternoon, I found myself at the lake observing my kids as they played joyfully with a group of children visiting from a nearby amusement park. It’s truly remarkable how quickly kids can forge friendships with complete strangers! There were around eight little ones engrossed in fun, equipped with sand toys, buckets, and a beach ball. Everything appeared to be going smoothly—until I overheard a disagreement.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a mother hurrying over to mediate a dispute between two kids. The issue at hand? A single beach ball that little Mia had brought along for her enjoyment. Another child insisted she wanted to play with it, leading the mother to urge Mia, “We need to share.”
I watched as Mia’s distress escalated. “No, it’s mine,” she cried, tears welling up in her eyes. My heart went out to her. At about four years old, Mia was still learning to understand the concept of sharing. Her expression captured a mix of confusion and frustration, as if she were silently asking, “Why is this happening?”
You may be thinking that teaching kids to share is essential, and you’d be correct. I wholeheartedly support sharing. However, in the real world, we aren’t obligated to relinquish our cherished belongings simply because someone else desires them.
So, I choose not to force my children to share their toys.
Preparing Them for Reality
As parents, isn’t our goal to prepare our children for the realities of life? In the real world, we have choices, and people respect our autonomy. Why should we treat our children differently? The ability to choose to share, be generous, and show kindness develops over time. While I encourage my kids to cultivate empathy and altruism, I don’t believe in compelling them to give up their possessions just because another child wants them.
The Development of Sharing
Sharing is not an innate skill; it evolves alongside a child’s cognitive growth. Between ages two and four, children begin to recognize their emotions, while empathy and compassion start to take shape between ages five and seven. Research by Fehn and Rockenbach (2008) indicates that only 8.7% of three- and four-year-olds were willing to share, but this percentage soared to 45% among seven- and eight-year-olds.
Just like any other skill, sharing takes time to develop. You can’t force bravery by placing a child high up in a tree, nor can you make them assertive by putting them on stage with a microphone. Likewise, you can’t compel a child to share by stripping away their right to say no.
Why Not Forcing Is Beneficial
- Recognizing Their Rights: Children are human beings with voices and rights. It’s vital to teach them they have autonomy and can make their own choices. Forcing them to share contradicts this principle, as it takes away their right to say no.
- Demonstrating Respect: Forcing a child to share dismisses their feelings and beliefs, which can instill a sense of disrespect. To show respect, we must validate their emotions, even if we don’t personally understand why they feel so strongly about a toy.
- Avoiding Entitlement: Forcing a child to share can inadvertently teach them that another child’s desires take precedence over their own. This can create a sense of entitlement that isn’t healthy.
- Real-World Lessons: In adulthood, taking someone else’s belongings without permission is unacceptable. Teaching kids that they can take what they want, regardless of another’s feelings, does them a disservice.
- Understanding Developmental Readiness: Younger children are still learning to navigate their emotions and social interactions. We need to be patient and recognize where they are in their development.
- Listening to Hidden Meanings: Sometimes, a child may have a special attachment to a toy that we don’t understand. It’s essential to communicate and listen to their feelings.
Alternative Approaches
I do promote sharing and help my children learn about its positive aspects. I praise them when they share and encourage them to play with items that can be enjoyed by everyone. However, if they choose not to share, I respect that decision and suggest they put the toy away or give it to me temporarily to avoid conflict.
Ultimately, my goal is to nurture their empathy and understanding of others’ feelings. My ten-year-old often shares his football at school and even brings an extra toy for a friend who doesn’t have one.
Sharing is a natural progression—it should never be forced.
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Summary
Forcing children to share can undermine their autonomy and emotional development. Instead, fostering empathy and understanding through respectful communication encourages healthier relationships and social skills.