Throughout the last school year, my son had a classmate who frequently exhibited disruptive behavior. This boy often resorted to potty humor to garner laughter from his peers. While some of the children found it amusing, many others expressed their annoyance. His teacher would often advise the class, “Don’t engage with him. Ignoring it will help it stop.” This approach seems logical — if a child’s attention-seeking antics receive no response, they should eventually cease, right?
However, another teacher, Ms. Thompson, took a different route. Instead of reprimanding the boy or instructing others to ignore him, she embraced his antics. She laughed at his jokes and invited him to assist her in demonstrating concepts to the class. By keeping him engaged with tasks, giving him high-fives, and praising his creativity, Ms. Thompson fostered a more positive environment. According to my son, this boy’s behavior improved significantly in her class.
Ms. Thompson may possess an intuitive understanding of how to effectively respond to children with behavioral challenges, or she may have researched it thoroughly. Either way, she recognizes that children who seek attention are often yearning for connection and relationships.
Tina Morgan, a consultant specializing in early childhood development, argues that parents and educators should reevaluate their responses to attention-seeking behaviors. It’s crucial to understand that seeking attention is not inherently negative. Morgan proposes that instead of labeling it as “attention-seeking,” we should refer to it as “relationship-seeking.”
Young children genuinely need our attention. Morgan emphasizes, “Research on brain development indicates that for children to feel valued and secure, they require our love, physical contact, and undivided attention. In fact, some children might struggle to thrive without it.” If they perceive a deficit in attention, they may exhibit various compensatory behaviors, such as acting out, becoming withdrawn, or seeking attention from anyone available.
This doesn’t imply that the boy in my son’s class lacks attention at home; he simply may need more than others. He seeks reassurance and connection, and when he receives it, his behavior improves.
Naturally, all children, regardless of their backgrounds or behavior levels, require our attention. My daughter, Mia, has ADHD, and children with this condition often face frequent correction. This constant criticism can lead them to believe something is fundamentally wrong with them. It can undermine their sense of security, prompting the relationship-seeking behaviors Morgan describes.
I’m fortunate to have a close friend who is a psychologist. She advised me early on to engage with Mia’s so-called “annoying” behaviors. Ignoring her only exacerbated the issues; she was, in essence, crying out for attention, or more accurately, for a connection. She needed to know that she is valued and that our bond remains strong, even if she requires more guidance than her peers.
Morgan recounts the story of a young boy who transitioned through multiple foster homes and struggled to regulate his behavior at school. His inability to self-regulate led to his expulsion and another move. Morgan pondered whether his outcome could have been different if an adult had provided him the attention he needed to heal. “How can a young child convey their fear of abandonment or desire for connection without seeking attention?” she asks.
Reframing how we perceive attention-seeking behavior can profoundly affect our responses to children. When we view it as a demand for attention, it can feel overwhelming or burdensome. We often want to respond with “Learn to self-regulate!” But when we shift our perspective to “This child is seeking a relationship,” we can empathize with their intrinsic need for attachment. Adjusting our language can help us focus more on the child and cultivate patience.
Morgan highlights that the concept of self-regulation is relatively new. While we aim to teach children independence and adaptability, forging strong attachment bonds is essential. Surprisingly, a solid attachment in childhood fosters independence and self-assurance in adulthood. Indeed, children cannot learn to self-regulate effectively unless they receive ample attention through their relationships with adults.
Children require our acknowledgment when they reach out for attention. We should never make them feel unwelcome or unlikable by overlooking their attempts to connect, even if we find their behavior bothersome. They are still learning to navigate their emotions, and as adults, we must respond appropriately by providing the attention they seek. Only then can they begin to learn how to manage their behaviors effectively.
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In summary, understanding that children often misbehave as a cry for connection rather than simply seeking attention can reshape our responses. By fostering relationships through engagement and empathy, we can help children feel secure and valued, ultimately guiding them toward better self-regulation.