From a young age, I dreamed of becoming a mother, ever since the day I cradled my baby brother in my arms. Those tiny fingers and little toes captivated me, and I felt a deep sense of purpose. For years, I anticipated the moment I’d finally have a baby of my own to adore.
However, I have to share a truth that still stings when I recall it. When I finally became a mother, I didn’t experience that overwhelming love I had envisioned, at least not right away. Perhaps it was my high expectations—those years of yearning for the exact moment when I’d meet my baby and feel an instant connection—that made it difficult to accept what I was truly feeling in those early moments.
My first child was born at home, in a warm and supportive environment, with a birth pool set up in our living room. The labor was shorter and less painful than I anticipated, thanks to my wonderful team of doulas and midwife. But the moment my son was placed on my chest, I was left feeling bewildered. “Is this really happening?” I thought. I was in shock, almost detached from the experience itself. I hadn’t anticipated the emotional upheaval that would follow.
The initial days of motherhood were among the toughest I’ve ever faced. Though my son and I were both healthy, he was fussy and didn’t nurse well. Nursing was the aspect of motherhood I was most excited about, and to see it not unfold as I had imagined was disheartening. Each attempt to feed him resulted in rejection.
At around 48 hours postpartum, I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed. “What am I doing wrong?” I wondered. In a moment of despair, I thought, “I actually hate him.” It was a shocking realization that went against everything I had anticipated.
Looking back, I realize how unrealistic my expectations were. Parenting is incredibly challenging, and babies don’t always cooperate. It’s a learning curve that no one prepares you for. I wish someone had told me it was normal to feel lost and overwhelmed, instead of insisting that I’d instinctively know how to mother.
Fortunately, that dark moment was fleeting. I had the self-awareness to acknowledge my fatigue and the support of a fantastic postpartum team who helped me through those hard days. They provided guidance and reassurance, which gradually helped me bond with my baby.
About a week later, after countless attempts at nursing, it finally clicked. As my son nestled into my arms after a successful feeding, I felt a surge of love that took my breath away. I realized how far we had come together, and in that moment, I was utterly devoted to him.
It’s a disservice to new mothers when society pushes the idea of “love at first sight.” While some do experience that instant connection, many do not. Sometimes, it’s confusion or uncertainty that fills those early days, and that’s perfectly okay. Falling in love with your baby can take time, often requiring you to navigate through challenges and get to know one another.
If you’re grappling with feelings of distress or confusion, please reach out to a healthcare professional. But for many of us, the myth of immediate maternal love can be a heavy burden. The truth is, love develops at its own pace, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
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In summary, it’s vital for new parents to understand that the journey to bonding with your baby may not be instantaneous. The early days can be challenging and filled with a mix of emotions, but love can grow as you learn together.