Every June as Father’s Day approaches, I’m acutely aware of the curiosity—often laced with anxiety—surrounding my family dynamic. People often wonder whether the day is meant for me or my former partner, and how our kids celebrate. The answer is neither of us takes the day particularly seriously, nor do our kids engage with it much.
As their biological mom, I embrace my role as a mother and cherish the recognition on Mother’s Day. Before I embraced a nonbinary identity and transitioned to gender-neutral pronouns, I firmly identified as a mother. Even now, the term “mama” resonates deeply with me, serving as a term of endearment rather than a strict label. While I identify as both female and male, I have never referred to myself as a father and don’t intend to. My children, who were conceived with the help of a sperm donor, don’t have a dad in the traditional sense. However, there’s a possibility they may choose to meet their biological father one day.
I believe that children benefit from having answers about their origins. When my partner and I were selecting a sperm donor from a reputable cryobank, we specifically looked for “open donors” who agree to meet their biological offspring if they wish to do so. These men remain anonymous until a child reaches out at age 18, at which point a meeting can be arranged. I wanted to ensure my kids had the option of connecting with the person whose sperm was part of their creation.
Navigating identity and understanding oneself can be challenging enough without the added burden of missing information. I don’t believe having same-gender parents leaves children at a disadvantage. Studies reveal that kids raised by same-gender couples thrive just as well as those raised by heterosexual couples. Nevertheless, my children are aware that they were conceived using sperm. I recognized the possibility that they might want to know the man behind that piece of the puzzle, and I wanted to make sure they wouldn’t have to search too far for answers.
It’s natural for kids to wonder about their biological roots, especially when they notice features or traits that don’t align with those of their parents. I want my children to feel secure in their identity and have the knowledge they deserve. An open donor offers them choices rather than feelings of inadequacy, and it can enhance my role as their parent if they decide to meet him. After reaching adulthood, they can contact the cryobank to initiate a meeting, and from there, it’s up to them and the donor to decide if they want to maintain that connection.
There’s a possibility that my oldest child may not wish to meet him, or she may decide that it’s something she wants to do, passing on any information to her siblings. The same goes for my twins, who also have donor siblings; it’s all about respecting each individual’s wishes regarding relationships.
I’ve come to accept the idea that a positive relationship with their sperm donor could enrich my children’s lives. This relationship might even lead them to think of him as a father figure on Father’s Day. It’s fascinating how often people feel uncomfortable when they learn my kids don’t have a dad. This discomfort stems from societal norms that dictate a “typical” family structure. However, my family is just as whole and loving as any other, and my children don’t see your families as any less valid for being deemed “normal.”
The presence or absence of a dad does not determine the love, security, and parenting that children receive. And even without a father figure, there’s always the potential for one to emerge in their lives in the future.
For more insights on home insemination and parenting, check out our blog posts. If you’re interested in exploring the process further, visit Make A Mom for expert advice, or ASRM for additional resources.
Summary
As June rolls around each year, I reflect on my family’s unique dynamics, particularly the absence of a traditional father figure for my children. While we don’t celebrate Father’s Day in a conventional sense, I believe it’s important for my kids to have answers about their origins. By choosing an open sperm donor, I’ve ensured they have the option to meet him if they wish. This journey highlights the importance of identity, love, and the diverse forms families can take.