“I no longer want to be in this marriage.” Those words can shatter hearts; they’re frightening and utterly unexpected. They weren’t part of the life I envisioned.
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I can’t speak to the feeling of hearing such a statement from someone else, but I can recount the moment I said it to my partner of nearly two decades. It was devastating and terrifying. Years ago, I had vowed to stick together, yet here I was, expressing my desire to walk away. While honesty brought a hint of relief, it was overshadowed by the pain of hurting someone I cared deeply for. My long-standing unhappiness and lack of love didn’t matter in that moment; all I could focus on was the pain I was inflicting.
For far too long, I had suppressed my discomfort. To be fair, I’ve always excelled at hiding my feelings. It wasn’t fair to my partner, who had sensed a rift but was willing to endure it, hoping for improvement. I, however, couldn’t continue like this.
I think she felt blindsided. How did we reach this point? Could we have avoided this outcome? Why couldn’t we fix things?
I had been working on my own journey of healing and self-discovery, which meant evolving in ways that left me feeling out of sync with my partner. I felt like a hermit crab that had outgrown its shell. It wasn’t that the shell was broken; it just no longer fit. Admitting this was painful, and saying it was even harder.
From the outside, our marriage appeared stable. People often admired our communication and teamwork. There were no issues of abuse, infidelity, or significant arguments. Everything seemed fine, but eventually, “fine” wasn’t enough. Sobriety opened my eyes to what I had been missing and what I yearned for. I couldn’t tell if I was transforming into someone new or simply revealing who I had always been meant to be. Regardless, I realized I was becoming someone my partner no longer recognized.
My priorities shifted. My aspirations changed. My vision for our future was no longer aligned with hers. Was that fair? It felt unjust to her. I was the one steering us toward an end she didn’t want. She felt trapped on a journey she hadn’t chosen.
We sought counseling, which facilitated some open dialogue, but my mind was already made up. I had endured enough to understand that I needed and deserved more than what our relationship could offer.
Should I have made more of an effort? I’m not sure. Relationships require effort from both sides, yet I had been trying to compensate for the guilt and shame I carried from my past struggles. I was actively avoiding loneliness, while she passively hoped to avoid being alone. It was frustrating to realize I was the one causing the pain, yet I knew I had to prioritize my own well-being. That realization is tough, especially when it means possibly becoming the villain in someone else’s narrative.
Choosing to leave a stable relationship, especially with kids involved, is never easy. I wanted to protect everyone’s feelings, but I knew my heart needed attention and care above all. I realized that prioritizing myself may ultimately benefit everyone in the long run.
Resentment and loss were eating away at me. I craved to be seen and nurtured in ways that felt effortless and genuine. Every relationship requires work, but shouldn’t it also come with ease? Taking responsibility for my choices and the upheaval I caused was challenging.
I recognize that neither of us is solely to blame. Wanting something different requires acknowledging what you don’t want.
“I no longer want to be in this marriage.” Those words are difficult to hear, just as they are to say.
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Summary:
Expressing a desire to end a marriage can be a heartbreaking and frightening experience, especially when it disrupts the lives of loved ones. The journey of personal growth may lead to conflicting feelings within a relationship, highlighting the importance of communication, understanding, and prioritizing one’s own well-being. While difficult, recognizing the need for change can ultimately pave the way for a healthier future.