The moment I realized my child was “that child” marked a significant shift in my journey as a parent. It was a day filled with a wave of shame regarding her behavior, and I began to question if there was something inherently wrong with her—or perhaps something wrong with me, as her mother, tasked with nurturing her into a compassionate individual.
It was an ordinary day, and we were hosting a familiar playdate with friends we’ve welcomed into our home numerous times. My 5-year-old daughter and her 4-year-old friend were racing around the couch, engaged in an energetic game of tag. When my daughter struggled to catch up and fell into a sulky heap on the floor, demanding her friend to slow down, it struck me like a lightning bolt. This was not an isolated incident; my child consistently demonstrated challenging behaviors.
Whether she’s by herself, with her siblings, or among friends, she often takes charge. She’s the one who creates a scene in stores, wailing over not being able to buy a gymnastics leotard (a sport we don’t even participate in!). She often throws tantrums that I once thought were reserved for toddlers, displaying an attitude that can be rude and disrespectful. She is moody, struggles to share, and is obsessively protective of her belongings. When things don’t go her way, she can become impossible to deal with. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she is spirited, strong-willed, and, yes, at times, a brat. Every outing feels like stepping onto a minefield where I never know what will trigger her next outburst.
This presents a dilemma for me as a mother who has a tendency to prioritize pleasing others. I work hard to be kind and considerate, hoping to create a harmonious atmosphere, and it frustrates me that my daughter seems resistant to these values. I’ve been told that things would improve as she grew out of her toddler years, but unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case. Her screams have simply grown louder, and her vocabulary has expanded, but her core behavior remains unchanged.
When I observe her with peers, it’s painfully clear that my independent, determined daughter stands out among her friends. In many ways, she embodies what society might label as “difficult.” I want to embrace her uniqueness, but I can’t help but wish she displayed some of the sweetness or amiability that I see in other children.
For those of you who encounter my darling, spirited child, I understand if you find her hard to like. I often struggle with that feeling myself. As her mother, I love her deeply and appreciate the moments when her true character shines through. She has a genuine ability to be affectionate and caring towards her baby brother and our small dog. I can see the kindness in her actions, like when she quietly whispers “I love you” to her little sister at bedtime or introduces herself to a stranger with confidence.
However, you, as an outsider, might only experience her more challenging sides. You may find yourself having to manage her sharp comments or play referee to her demands. I apologize for this. I’m working on it, and I hope she is too. On good days, I see her holding back words she knows I’d prefer she didn’t say, which gives me hope that she can learn to navigate social interactions more gracefully.
In the meantime, I encourage you to teach your children to stand their ground. If they need to assert themselves against her, let them. A little bit of friendly competition could do her some good. I’ll probably deny it if asked, but I wouldn’t mind if they gave her a gentle nudge to help her realize that not everything revolves around her desires. My attempts at guidance—gentle reminders, reprimands, or even pleas—have often fallen flat, so perhaps a little peer pressure will benefit her.
A mother can hope, right?
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Summary
Navigating the challenges of parenting a strong-willed child can be tough. The author grapples with feelings of shame and frustration, wishing her daughter exhibited more agreeable traits. While she recognizes her child’s potential and moments of kindness, she also faces the reality that her daughter’s behavior can alienate others. Ultimately, she hopes for growth and improvement, both for herself and her child.
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