When you welcome a newborn into your life, you’re often bombarded with a barrage of intrusive questions. You know the type I’m talking about, right? Here are some of the most common ones I encountered:
- “Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?”
- “Is your little one really hungry again?”
- “Don’t you think it’s time to put your baby down?”
- And my personal favorite: “Is he/she a good baby?”
These questions can feel incredibly stressful, as they imply that either your baby or you are somehow lacking. Initially, I bought into this mindset. My baby didn’t sleep through the night at three months, or even six months (that didn’t happen for years). My breastfed baby wanted to eat every 45 minutes, and if I ever tried to put him down, he would wail like his heart was breaking. And what does it even mean to have a “good” baby? One that never fusses? By that standard, I thought I had the worst baby imaginable.
Like many new mothers, I absorbed various myths and societal expectations about how infants should behave. When my baby didn’t meet these unrealistic standards, I convinced myself that one of us had failed. However, after a few months of grappling with these pressures, talking to other moms, and doing my own research, I learned something essential: neither my baby nor I was at fault. The problem lay within the misinformation prevalent in our culture regarding infant behavior, which ultimately sets both mothers and babies up for disappointment.
The Pressure of Sleep Expectations
Take the question “Is your baby sleeping through the night?” for instance. There’s immense pressure to get your baby to sleep all night, often at a very young age. This pressure can come from well-meaning relatives, strangers, or even your pediatrician. While I understand the need for sleep, especially for mothers returning to work or lacking support, much of the advice circulating is misleading. I was led to believe that my child should be sleeping through the night by three to six months, a notion echoed by doctors and countless parenting resources.
But the reality is that most infants aren’t biologically equipped to sleep for extended periods until several months later. A 2018 study by the Academy of American Pediatrics (AAP) revealed that, on average, 57% of six-month-olds weren’t sleeping for eight hours straight. By the age of one, 43% still hadn’t achieved that milestone.
Feeding Patterns and Expectations
Feeding follows a similar pattern. We’re told to expect breastfed babies to eat every two to three hours, while formula-fed infants should go three to four hours between feedings. However, in practice, many mothers find that their babies have their own schedules, often requiring flexibility around feeding times. The AAP emphasizes that every baby has unique feeding needs, stating, “No book or website can tell you precisely how much or how often he needs to be fed.”
Ultimately, this societal pressure creates an unrealistic framework for parenting, pushing mothers to “train” their babies to meet these expectations. We often find ourselves trying to make our babies conform to schedules that don’t align with their natural rhythms. While some of this training may yield results, the responsibility for making the changes typically falls on mothers. When the “training” doesn’t work, it’s often the mothers who are blamed for having a baby that doesn’t conform.
Embracing the Unpredictability of Babies
It’s crucial to recognize that babies are inherently unpredictable. They may not eat, nap, or sleep according to the timelines dictated by friends or online resources. They may not warm up to strangers or behave quietly when we wish them to. This is not a reflection of your parenting; it’s simply how babies are. The focus should be on adjusting societal expectations to provide mothers with the support they deserve.
We need to advocate for comprehensive postpartum care, including mental health resources, extended maternity and paternity leave, and affordable childcare options. Many countries provide such support, leading to happier, healthier mothers who feel empowered to meet their babies’ needs without feeling like “bad moms.”
If you’re a new mother feeling overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations for yourself and your baby, remember that you’re not alone. Your baby is perfect just as they are, and you are doing an incredible job as their mother. Society needs to recalibrate its views to provide the support necessary to navigate this challenging time.
Further Reading and Resources
For more insights on parenting and motherhood, check out this article from our other blog. Additionally, for those on a fertility journey, Make A Mom offers essential resources. And for informative statistics, the CDC provides a wealth of data on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Unrealistic societal expectations surrounding newborn development can create unnecessary stress for mothers. This pressure often leads to feelings of inadequacy when babies do not conform to these standards. A shift in societal support and understanding is essential for empowering mothers and nurturing their unique parenting journeys.