Instead of unwinding on Saturday nights, reflecting on the delightful afternoon spent with my kids or relishing in the idea of an unplanned Sunday, I find myself lying awake, concocting ways to fill any spare time. My primary objective is to keep my anxiety at bay, and I achieve this by staying occupied.
For many, a day with nothing on the agenda sounds like a dream come true, but for me, it’s when my anxiety flares up the most. I become restless, my thoughts spiral into unhealthy territories, and the concept of “doing nothing” feels impossible. Although friends and family often urge me to take it easy and “just relax,” to me, that can be a daunting prospect.
I don’t keep myself busy to compete or to impress anyone; I do it because I thrive on having a mission. The challenge of being alone with my thoughts, devoid of distractions, is overwhelming. Staying busy is my coping mechanism. Sometimes, even the simple act of vacuuming provides a sense of relief, just to feel productive.
I genuinely enjoy making plans because I’m a social person and there’s so much to experience in this life. However, deep down, I know that my desire to stay busy stems from how much better I feel when I have a purpose, a task at hand, or even a to-do list to tackle.
Last Sunday, after a morning run, catching up with a friend over coffee, grocery shopping, and tidying up the house, I found myself back in the kitchen after dinner, proposing to my kids that I could make homemade bagels for breakfast. But instead of that, they requested I join them for a show. I was exhausted and craved a moment of relaxation, yet I feared that sitting down would trigger a tide of worries about everything I should be doing instead of enjoying time with them.
Thoughts of the upcoming week flooded my mind: Will I complete my work on time? Have I forgotten any appointments? Did I schedule a cleaning service on the same day as lacrosse practice? Am I prepared to handle being a divorced mom? What’s for dinner this week? I could use some fresh ideas since I’ve been in a rut lately.
When life throws challenges my way, like a child facing difficulties or a rocky relationship, my anxiety peaks, and my only solution is to keep moving. I plan, jot things down, and even listen to podcasts while tackling chores, even if I just did them the day before.
When life is smooth, anxiety still creeps in, whispering that this peace could vanish in an instant, so I should start worrying. To fend off those dark thoughts, I keep myself in motion. Facing a day with no plans can be emotionally draining, leaving me vulnerable to those nagging thoughts and feelings.
Despite knowing that spontaneity can lead to some of the best moments, I often find that once I experience a carefree day, the feeling doesn’t stick. I long to fill my schedule again, avoiding any stillness because busyness has become my shield.
It’s a distraction for my mind. It’s easier to focus on what could unfold when I’m engaged in a task rather than left alone with my thoughts. Anxiety, for me, is best managed through distraction.
I recognize the importance of pausing to savor everyday moments, and I strive to do this for my children and myself. Yet, my inclination remains to keep busy. This doesn’t mean I let it control my life entirely, but staying active is crucial for managing my emotions. I’m aware of this trait and not particularly fond of it, but it’s part of who I am.
I believe there are healthier ways to cope with anxiety than to tackle minor projects late at night or rush to create a meal from whatever ingredients I can find to keep myself active and watch my family enjoy it. Perhaps someday I’ll find a more calming approach, but today isn’t that day. So, if you’ll excuse me, I have a spice drawer to organize.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s struggle with anxiety and the way busyness serves as a coping mechanism. Instead of embracing downtime, the author fills their schedule to manage their feelings, often at the expense of enjoying the moment. While recognizing the importance of relaxation, they admit that staying busy is their default state, providing a distraction from anxious thoughts.