Parenting
As my son Lucas strode through the front door, clutching a fast food bag and soda with one hand while letting his backpack tumble to the floor, I moved in for a hug that he partially returned. Sundays are our family afternoons, and Lucas is one of our five children. He’s the middle child and one half of a boy/girl twin duo, arriving second. With his large hands and the rare, heartwarming dimpled smile, he brings joy to our lives. However, when Lucas turned 17, we faced the heart-wrenching decision to transition him to an Intermediate Care Facility for Individuals with Intellectual Disabilities (ICF/IID), often referred to as a group home.
In the year leading up to his move, Lucas exhibited severe behaviors that were both alarming and dangerous. Reflecting on that time, I realize I should have sought placement for him sooner—both for his safety and the well-being of my other children, as well as for my husband, Mark, and myself, who were under immense stress. Lucas is diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 3, which is often referred to as severe or classic autism. He is mostly nonverbal and has complicated challenges, including an extreme form of pica, which necessitates constant supervision to prevent him from consuming harmful objects. Despite our efforts with toilet training, he still wears diapers, and his rapidly escalating behaviors made our home feel like a battleground.
I vividly recall the day I went to wake Lucas, only to discover he had removed a clean diaper and smeared feces on his face. As a caregiver, you learn to suppress your disgust and address the situation, cleaning not just him but the bedding and everything else affected. It’s a heartbreaking experience that can evoke feelings of sadness and anger, leading to an emotional detachment that doesn’t truly alleviate the burden.
Our household was rife with daily violent incidents, often directed at Mark, though I wasn’t exempt from the aggression either. While Mark often managed to keep Lucas from causing harm, there were instances where Lucas ended up with bruises from being restrained. Occasionally, we found moments of humor amidst the chaos; once, while preventing Lucas from attacking his siblings, Mark jokingly channeled a parental Buzz Lightyear, saying “Not today, Zurg!” This unexpected levity momentarily distracted Lucas, allowing us a brief respite.
A week after Lucas’s placement at the group home, I found myself in tears at the grocery store, realizing we no longer needed lactose-free milk or certain snacks. The first six months after his move were filled with tears as I grappled with guilt, anxiety about his well-being, and deep longing for my son.
When Lucas visits on Sundays, my mind races with a checklist of concerns: has his hair been cut? Is he clean? Are his clothes in good condition? Yet, despite the group home’s shortcomings in my eyes, they provide a level of care that I could never achieve while managing my other children and a full-time job. Ultimately, this transition was the best choice for both Lucas and our family, even if it’s difficult to feel relieved amidst the guilt. When Lucas looks at me and asks about his upcoming visits, I can’t help but feel a mix of emotions—he misses me, and I certainly miss him as well. However, living at home simply isn’t the best option for us anymore.
Lucas has been on a waiting list for funding to support him living at home for nine years now. I hope to see his name rise to the top of that list in the next year or two. Yet, even when that happens, I plan to decline the offer. This is one of our other blog posts about navigating the complexities of parenting a child with special needs.
In summary, transitioning your autistic teen to independent living can be one of the most challenging decisions a family may face. It often comes with a mix of emotions, including relief and guilt, but ultimately may provide a better quality of life for both the parent and the child. For those interested in fertility options, you can explore reputable online retailers like Cryobaby for at-home insemination kits, or check out Science Daily for valuable insights into pregnancy and home insemination.
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