Updated: May 14, 2020
Originally Published: May 29, 2019
I find myself curled up in bed, feeling overwhelmed. Just moments ago, I expressed to my partner that I feel worthless and that nothing I do holds any value. In these times, my mind can spiral into dark thoughts, fueled by my ADHD, anxiety disorder, and bipolar II. My mental health struggles frequently cast shadows over our marriage, and when I’m in a low place, my partner, Mark, bears the brunt of it.
This situation is challenging for both of us.
Over the years, Mark has developed strategies to navigate my mental health fluctuations. He’s learned that trying to rationalize my feelings often doesn’t help. Just as someone dealing with depression cannot simply talk themselves out of it, he has discovered that reasoning with me during a bipolar episode is futile. Telling me to calm down when I’m anxious is as effective as asking a cat to fetch. This understandably frustrates him since he genuinely wants to help. His instinct is to engage in conversation, thinking it might alleviate my distress.
But it’s not the right approach.
Another common suggestion is for me to just sleep it off. While this can sometimes lead to a slight improvement in my mood, it doesn’t address the underlying issues. When I sleep, he shoulders all the responsibilities—parenting, chores, and everything else—while I’m out of commission. Although it may provide temporary relief, it’s hardly fair to him.
Fortunately, I have periods of stability thanks to my medication. However, my heightened empathy complicates things. If Mark comes home in a bad mood, I often interpret it as a personal affront, even if it has nothing to do with me. This emotional sensitivity makes it difficult for him to express genuine feelings without worrying about their effect on my mental health. We both recognize this cycle is unfair, yet it continues. The best I can do is retreat to a quiet space when he’s upset, leaving him to navigate the chaos alone with the kids.
Things get even trickier when I’m aware that my mental health is declining for no apparent reason. I might not share my feelings, knowing that I’m not upset about anything specific, which can lead him to believe there’s a deeper issue at play—one he might have caused. This misunderstanding only perpetuates a cycle of guilt and sadness between us, making communication even harder.
There are times when plans must be canceled because I’m not in a good place. Mark often ends up taking the children out while I remain at home, either in bed or zoning out in front of the TV. It’s a tough dynamic, and I can’t help but feel that my mental illness puts a strain on our marriage.
Fortunately, we entered into this relationship with a clear understanding of my challenges. Mark was aware that I would need patience, support, and encouragement. He ensures I stick to my medication regimen. Above all, we share a deep love for each other. We’ve committed to facing these difficulties together, striving to create joyful moments amid the struggles. Thankfully, these tough times are relatively infrequent, though they can become intense. Mark understands that my mental health needs attention, and he does his best to give me the space I require, even when it disrupts his own routine.
I chose a wonderful partner in Mark—he’s compassionate and understanding, and I feel fortunate for that. My mental illness undoubtedly affects our relationship, but his support helps mitigate the impacts, for which I am truly grateful.
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In summary, navigating a marriage impacted by mental illness is no small feat. While challenges arise, open communication, empathy, and commitment to one another are crucial in maintaining our bond.