My 5-year-old has mastered the art of making his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Occasionally, I assist by opening the peanut butter jar, but I require him to bring it to me, regardless of whether I’m occupied with writing, laundry, or cleaning. He retrieves the knife, bread, and plate; he spreads the jelly and peanut butter on his own. When he’s finished, he knows to clean up after himself, or there will be consequences. He takes great pride in his accomplishments, often declaring, “I can make my own lunch!”
Similarly, my 9-year-old loves to help with my morning coffee, eagerly volunteering to pour and mix it. This small act signifies trust, as he manages the cream and uses the microwave, which fosters his sense of independence.
Like many parents, I engage in typical activities such as driving my kids—aged 5, 7, and 9—to playdates, practices, and ensuring they complete their chores. However, I also intentionally avoid entertaining them. I encourage them to prepare their own meals and refrain from dressing them or mediating their disputes unless they become physical. When they get hurt, they retrieve their own Band-Aids, with my assistance limited to helping them apply them.
Some may label this approach as lazy or as “parenting by benign neglect,” but I firmly believe it has contributed to my children’s happiness and self-sufficiency. When they wake up, I ask what they want for breakfast, and if possible, they serve themselves. If not, I do minimal work—pouring cereal and milk, and letting them handle the rest. They take their bowls to the table and clean up after themselves. They have learned to be self-reliant, and this has fostered a sense of accomplishment.
Moreover, my children support one another. If a task needs to be done, they know they must help each other out. For instance, if the youngest requires assistance with a squirt gun, his brothers step in. They understand that if they lose a toy, it’s their responsibility to find it, not mine. This independence allows them to develop problem-solving skills without constantly seeking my help.
When they feel hungry between meals, they know to grab the peanut butter, jelly, and bread without waiting for me. I empower them to control their eating habits, which is particularly important given their medication that affects appetite.
During shopping trips, my 9-year-old offers suggestions for easy breakfast items and lunch meats, demonstrating his capability. I plan to teach him how to microwave frozen vegetables next—another step toward nurturing his independence.
Conflict resolution is another area where I take a hands-off approach. I don’t intervene in their disagreements unless it escalates to physical altercations; instead, I encourage them to resolve their issues. If necessary, I step in to facilitate a solution, helping them learn to communicate and collaborate effectively.
Another fundamental aspect of my parenting philosophy is not to entertain my children. While I occasionally engage in activities like board games or crafts, I refrain from orchestrating their play. I allow them to explore the outdoors, where they engage in various imaginative activities. They are capable of entertaining themselves and often venture outside without adult supervision, returning only when called in for the night.
My children are genuinely happy. They receive affection, enjoy family outings, and share meaningful moments together. The older siblings read to the younger ones, and I was moved when my middle child used his own money to buy LEGO figures for his brothers, ensuring they wouldn’t feel left out.
You might view my parenting style as neglectful, but I argue that I am providing excellent care. I’m equipping them with vital skills needed to navigate an increasingly independent world. They are learning to think for themselves, work collaboratively, and know they can rely on one another.
Recently, I observed my middle son climbing onto the counter to grab a plate. Rather than criticize, I smiled, recognizing the resourcefulness and independence he was exhibiting. He was safe, clever, and I felt a wave of pride.
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In summary, fostering independence in children through a hands-off approach can lead to happier, more self-sufficient individuals. By allowing them to navigate challenges and encouraging them to support one another, we equip them with valuable life skills.