Labels often hold significance primarily for those they define. For the early years of my child’s life, I was simply “Mom.” Nothing more, nothing less. However, it became clear by the time he reached 18 months that his behaviors diverged from typical developmental patterns. It wasn’t until he was four and a half that he received his first diagnosis: Severe ADHD, Combined Type. With that label came mine: Special Needs Mom.
Suddenly, I was no longer just an ordinary parent involved in school functions and weekend sports. My identity was now intertwined with a diagnosis that has since expanded to include multiple labels for my vibrant seven-year-old. This change also meant I began to see you through a different lens. You, once a friend, neighbor, or family member, became the “Neurotypical Mom,” a term that implies a standard of normalcy that can feel daunting.
While the term “normal” is often scrutinized within mental health discussions, it serves a purpose in distinguishing between typical and atypical development. So, you are a Neurotypical Mom, and I am a Special Needs Mom. However, aside from the occasional disheveled appearance suggesting my life is a bit chaotic compared to your polished look, we are fundamentally similar in how society views our parenting roles.
Truths About Raising a Child with Special Needs
I want to share some truths about the realities of raising a child with special needs that I wish my neurotypical friends understood, even if it’s hard to articulate.
- Our Milestones Differ
In our home, we celebrate victories that may seem trivial to others—like a day without destruction, using words instead of actions, or completing tasks without a meltdown. These moments are rare for us, and when they happen, we throw mini-celebrations. Normalcy is a foreign concept, making each small victory feel monumental. - There’s a Hint of Resentment
When your child expresses frustration over minor inconveniences, it stings. It’s not your fault, nor is it mine, but I sometimes wish you could see how different our struggles are. While you lament typical childhood challenges, I can’t help but feel envious of the simplicity of your parenting hardships. - Asking for Help is Daunting
Extreme parenting can leave us utterly drained. If you remember how exhausted you felt during those early parenting days, multiply that feeling by ten. Asking for help is complicated; not everyone understands the unique needs of our children. We often hesitate to seek assistance because the trust factor is crucial, and we worry about the burden it places on others. - Constant Worry is Our Norm
We share the common parental worry, but ours often extends beyond typical concerns. While you might fret over social dynamics at school, I’m anxious about my child’s future—considering factors like mental health, substance abuse, or who will look after them when I can no longer do so. The weight of these thoughts can be overwhelming. - Some Days Are Just Hard
This isn’t a reflection of how much we love our children. We advocate fiercely for them, but the truth is, we often feel lost in our roles. The strain can be isolating, affecting our relationships and our mental health. The pressure is immense, and the emotional toll can be grueling.
So, dear Neurotypical friend, we need you now more than ever. We need you to nurture our friendship. We need you to drop off a meal, hang out with our kids so we can take a moment for ourselves, or invite us for coffee, even if we might not make it. Your understanding and support mean everything to us, and we appreciate every effort you make to be there.
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In summary, maintaining friendships across the spectrum of parenting can be challenging yet rewarding. Understanding and empathy go a long way in bridging the gap between our different experiences.