As I approach the final weeks of my pregnancy, I find myself grappling with intense worries about my upcoming delivery. It’s not just your typical anxiety; it’s a deep-seated fear stemming from my first birthing experience, which was nothing short of traumatic.
Despite diligently preparing by reading all the essential literature and enrolling in relevant classes, I was unaware that many elements influencing my birth experience were beyond my control, such as factors related to my ethnicity and age.
The Early Days of Labor
Early in the process, my voice was effectively muted. My carefully crafted birth plan was dismissed before I even had a chance to put it into action. It felt as if many healthcare providers viewed birth plans as mere inconveniences rather than a means to facilitate a more comfortable experience. From that point on, things began to spiral out of control.
During labor, I endured significant pain while my newborn was immediately sent to the NICU. To make matters worse, I faced a rare condition known as retained placenta, which occurs in about two percent of pregnancies. In my case, pieces of my placenta were left within me for nearly six weeks after delivery.
The Aftermath of Birth
By the second month of being a new mother, I felt emotionally and physically drained. I had to rely on pumping exclusively because my son struggled to latch for the first month. Additionally, I lived with the anxiety of potentially needing a kidney transplant for him due to severe fluid retention (hydronephrosis)—thankfully, that was not necessary. I also underwent emergency surgery to remove the retained placenta, leaving me feeling both mentally and physically vulnerable.
Many of those early memories remain blurred due to the pain that clouded my experience. Nevertheless, I was determined to be strong for my little one, even when I felt utterly weak.
Understanding the Risks
Nearly three years later, I am acutely aware of the specific risks I face as a Black woman giving birth in America. The likelihood of preterm labor is significantly higher for me, and I have firsthand knowledge of how healthcare professionals can dismiss my expressions of pain. Research indicates that I am 3-4 times more likely to face severe complications during labor amid the ongoing maternal mortality crisis.
There are also numerous health disparities that could put my newborn daughter at risk. The thought of these factors is almost too overwhelming to bear.
The Uncertainty of Delivery
Giving birth as a Black woman in America is fraught with fear and uncertainty. This reality weighs heavily on my mind every day, and I can only hope that this stress does not affect my children as much as it affects me.
One aspect that amplifies my anxiety is the uncertainty around who will deliver my baby. With six OBs at my prenatal facility, the possibility of any one of them attending my labor feels like a game of Russian Roulette. I attempted to ease my worries by meeting them all, but with so many caregivers, it’s challenging to establish a sense of connection. I wish I could know who would be there for us, as that might alleviate some of my apprehension. However, I refuse to schedule an induction for the sake of comfort.
Challenges of Rural Birth
Moreover, the reality of giving birth in a rural area presents its own challenges. The nearest hospital equipped to handle serious emergencies is nearly an hour away. I’ve heard numerous stories of individuals being airlifted to hospitals in neighboring states due to our facility’s limitations.
I’m uncertain about what I would do if faced with a similar crisis during my second childbirth. My husband and I have already navigated this journey once, and we hope that we can recognize the signs should complications arise again. Still, it’s impossible to prepare for every eventuality, and the unknown looms heavily over me.
Finding Strength
Even though I often wish I could retreat into a corner and just rock back and forth, I have a lively two-year-old son who relies on me to be strong. I also have a second child on the way who will need me for every aspect of her early life. Most importantly, I owe it to myself to remain steadfast. I refuse to surrender to fear.
As I contemplate the upcoming birth, I realize it could either mirror my previous experience or unfold without major issues. The truth is, I’ll have to see what fate has in store. While many factors might be against me, I am determined not to give in without a fight.
Resources for Expecting Mothers
If you’re interested in learning more about pregnancy and related topics, consider exploring this excellent resource for pregnancy at NICHD. For those considering home insemination, you might find this guide on intracervical insemination helpful. And if you’re looking for a fertility boost, check out this artificial insemination kit.
Summary
The author reflects on the intense fears surrounding her upcoming birth after a traumatic first experience. She discusses the challenges faced during her first delivery, the systemic issues in healthcare for Black women, and her anxiety about the uncertainties in her second birth. Despite her fears, she is determined to remain strong for her children.