If you met my 11-year-old, you’d quickly notice that he is a bright, talkative, confident, pizza-loving, video game enthusiast. Having just started middle school, he is thriving, dedicating himself to his audition for the school play and working hard to make the honor roll. He’s opinionated, fiercely independent, and a great friend.
Oh, and every night, he sleeps beside me in a little bed right next to ours.
Some of you might be shaking your heads, thinking, “What? An 11-year-old still sleeping in your room?” Others might say, “That wouldn’t work for me, but to each their own.” And then there’s a small group who is silently nodding, relieved that someone is finally addressing how completely normal this can be.
I would never claim that all older kids should share a room with their parents; that would be absurd. I understand that many families need their personal space, and that’s perfectly valid. However, this arrangement isn’t as uncommon as some might think. In fact, many families, despite societal stigma, allow their older children to sleep in their rooms.
For instance, in Japan, bed-sharing is quite common, with many families having their children sleep in proximity until their teenage years. As James J. McKenna, Ph.D., an expert on infant sleep, explains, this closeness is often referred to as a “river,” where the mother and father are the banks, and the child is the water flowing between them.
The idea that sleeping with older children is inappropriate is largely an American notion—one that you don’t have to subscribe to if you choose not to.
How Did This Happen for Us?
Like many parents, we co-slept with our babies, following safety guidelines, as it made nighttime wake-ups and nursing easier. As they grew into toddlers, we invited them into our bedroom during night awakenings due to sickness, bad dreams, or restlessness, positioning a toddler bed next to ours. This arrangement was partly for our sanity and partly because we cherished that connection.
When he was about 5, we set up a bed in his own room. He still has that bed, but he prefers to sleep in ours. He’s had difficulty falling asleep, unlike his younger brother who drifts off easily, and he tends to be especially needy at night.
As I mentioned, he is quite independent, and nighttime often provides the only opportunity for him to open up about his feelings. I intend to nurture this as long as I can. If I felt differently and truly wanted my bedroom back, I could enforce a rule about sleeping arrangements.
There have been numerous occasions—like when I was ill or my 6-year-old was sick—when he could easily sleep in his own room, and he has successfully spent nights away from home without issue. When I ask him why he enjoys sleeping next to us, he expresses that those nighttime moments are really important to him. If there were a valid reason to stop this arrangement, I would firmly say, “That’s enough!” But we’re not at that point.
I appreciate having this small way to brighten his life and maintain our special bond as he gradually seeks more independence. The reality is, he won’t want to sleep in our room forever; the teenage years are fast approaching, and I suspect he’ll want to distance himself then.
For now, I’m going to let him enjoy this last bit of childhood for as long as he desires. After all, why not?
If you’re interested in exploring more about family dynamics and parenting, check out our post on intrauterine insemination. You might also want to learn about fertility boosters for men available at Make a Mom. Additionally, for innovative ideas on home insemination, visit this blog post.
Summary
This article discusses the author’s experience of having her 11-year-old son sleep in her room. While acknowledging societal stigma, she shares her perspective on the normalcy of this arrangement and its emotional benefits, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a strong bond as her child grows more independent.