It’s a straightforward guideline: avoid telling children who are adopted that they should feel thankful for their circumstances. Let me explain why.
Regardless of the background of their biological parents—be it abuse, substance issues, or abandonment—the crucial point is that these children have been separated from their biological families, who ideally should have cared for them. It’s common for children, even those who have endured hardship, to still harbor feelings of love for their biological parents. If they express gratitude, that’s their choice. However, no one should impose the expectation of thankfulness for a situation that was not their decision to create.
When you choose to adopt, it’s your desire for a child that drives that decision, not the child’s obligation to be thankful for it. Children do not have the luxury of selecting their parents or determining how they are treated. Thus, they shouldn’t be pressured to express gratitude for being adopted. Instead, they deserve the freedom to experience their emotions without judgment. Adoption can be incredibly challenging. It’s essential to recognize that while you may gain a child through adoption, they have experienced significant loss.
As someone who was adopted, I’ve often been told to feel lucky or grateful for my adoptive family. While it may seem well-intentioned, such sentiments overlook the complexity of adoption. Every time someone mentions luck, it reminds me of the gaps in my identity: my family medical history is unknown to me, I have no idea which biological parent shares my freckles, and I’m disconnected from any biological siblings. Does my desire to understand my origins make me ungrateful? Should I suppress my curiosity about the woman who placed me for adoption?
The reality is, I may appreciate certain aspects of being adopted, and I cherish my adoptive family, but that doesn’t erase the feelings of loss associated with being separated from my biological family. It’s okay to feel a mix of emotions; we are all unique in our experiences. Not every adoptee will feel the same way, and some may genuinely feel grateful for their adoption, which is perfectly valid. The key is for adoptive families to avoid projecting their own feelings onto their adopted children and instead foster an environment where those children can express their true emotions.
If you are considering adopting, it’s important to remember that adoption is a complicated journey. Listen to your child’s feelings, respect their cues, and strive to be the best parent you can be. That’s the essence of parenting.
For more insights on this topic, check out this article.
Summary
Adopted children should not be compelled to feel thankful for their situation. Each child’s experience is unique, and they deserve the freedom to express their feelings without pressure. Understanding the complexities of adoption is crucial for adoptive parents who wish to support their children in navigating their emotions.