When “Michael” walked into our clinic, he was limping, burdened by intense knee pain that had tormented him for over a year. Despite his tissues and bones being healed, the pain persisted without clear reason. Michael’s struggle was genuine, yet it resembled a false alarm, serving no real purpose. He was exhausted, struggling academically after years of outstanding performance, and had become reclusive after previously excelling in track and field.
Once a bright star with aspirations of becoming a collegiate athlete and a renowned surgeon, Michael’s dreams were overshadowed by his pain. I quickly discovered that, like many of my patients, he had been sacrificing sleep for grades while juggling numerous commitments. The phrase “no pain, no gain” seemed to guide his life choices.
As a psychologist at the Pain Treatment Service at Boston Children’s Hospital, I witness firsthand how unrealistic expectations can lead not only to anxiety and depression but also to a growing epidemic of chronic pain linked to stress.
It’s crucial for children to challenge themselves physically and mentally through diverse activities. High expectations can foster a strong work ethic; however, with 20% of children diagnosed with chronic pain during their teenage years and research connecting daily stress to such issues, parents must consider a pivotal question: What distinguishes a happily engaged child from one who is overwhelmed and vulnerable to stress-induced pain?
When children’s schedules become so packed with schoolwork and activities that they lack time for fundamental needs—like sleep, relaxation, and family connections—they risk significant psychological and physical burnout. More concerning than the number of hours spent in activities is the external pressure children feel to succeed effortlessly.
Fortunately, there is a growing movement among parents, educators, and students advocating for mental and physical health over the relentless pursuit of perfect grades and exhaustive extracurricular commitments. Whether your child currently experiences chronic pain or not, it’s essential for parents to find ways to help their children achieve a healthy balance in a culture that prioritizes performance.
Five Practical Strategies for Parents
- Prioritize Meaningful Activities
Children involved in numerous extracurriculars aimed solely at pleasing parents or enhancing college applications often find little fulfillment and may experience quicker burnout. Parents should encourage their children to reflect on their motivations and support them in stepping back from activities that don’t bring genuine joy. - Shift Focus to the Process
Research indicates that praising effort rather than outcomes yields better results. Instead of saying, “You are so smart,” try acknowledging the effort, such as, “I admire how much time you dedicated to that project about World War II.” This approach can shape your child’s long-term perspective on success. - Embrace Failure
Reinforcing the idea that failure is not something to fear, but rather an opportunity for growth, can be transformative. Share personal anecdotes of your own failures and how they led to learning and resilience. - Be Aware of Implicit Messages
Sometimes, the pressure to succeed stems from parents’ unintentional remarks, such as, “You would love my alma mater,” which can be misinterpreted as expectations. Recognizing and moderating these messages can help alleviate stress and fear of failure in children. - Dare to Go Against the Grain
Many parents worry that scaling back will limit their child’s opportunities. However, reducing pressure and adopting a more balanced approach is often linked to better long-term outcomes. It takes a united effort; collaborating with other like-minded parents can help advocate for a healthier environment in schools and sports.
Recently, Michael reached out to share a part of his high school graduation speech that resonated deeply with me: “My pain keeps me grounded. When I feel stressed or fatigued, my pain alerts me to reflect on my day and seek change. Each solution I discover becomes a tool in my coping toolbox.”
Pain has given Michael the chance to build resilience, yet my hope is that other children can avoid learning these lessons the hard way. For more insights on parenting and wellness, consider checking out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, it’s vital for parents to cultivate a balance between academic and extracurricular commitments while promoting mental health and well-being in their children.