Our family welcomed a truly joyful baby boy, whose radiant smile seems to shine from within. People often ask, “Is he always this happy?” The answer is a resounding yes. His laughter is contagious, and everyone who knows him can attest to his cheerful spirit. However, there’s a deeper story hidden beneath that joy. He arrived in my life during one of my darkest moments: the grieving process following my father’s passing. He was a beacon of happiness sent to lift my spirits.
I was seven months pregnant when my father died. While there are many unhealthy ways to cope with grief, I understood that I needed to face it head-on. Running away from my feelings would only lead to more pain. But as a pregnant woman and then a mother to both a newborn and a toddler, finding the time to grieve was a challenge. In the midst of the chaos that followed my father’s unexpected death, I slipped into “business mode,” neglecting my emotional needs.
My father passed away in the summer, a time filled with plans for beach trips, vacations, and visits from friends. I clung to these activities, craving the normalcy of life, especially as the school year approached. I buried my grief deep down, choosing to focus on the busy days ahead.
As my pregnancy progressed into the third trimester, I found myself struggling to breathe, both physically and emotionally. My patience with my toddler began to wane. Then our son arrived, a hefty 9 pounds, 6 ounces, filling our home with joy once more. After experiencing postpartum anxiety with my first child, I was relieved that this time felt different. Yet, beneath the surface, the grief loomed large.
He was born on November 1st, the night we “fall back” and plunge into darkness. In those quiet moments with a newborn, I felt engulfed by shadows. I remember nursing him during those early weeks, tears streaming down my face as I mourned my father. I often worried if my baby would remember me as a mother who was sad.
Though I needed rest, I would remind myself to hold back the tears, prioritizing sleep instead. I’d read on my phone until I drifted off, trying to escape the grief. But the tears always caught up with me. I found myself crying in the shower, in the car, and while reading bedtime stories to my daughter.
I faced questions from my toddler: “Mommy, why are you sad? Why are you crying?” I tried to explain that it was normal to feel sad sometimes, that I missed Pop Pop, but I also wanted to shield her from my sorrow. I often saved my grief for private moments, but that didn’t always work. My sadness frequently turned into anger, which my daughter bore the brunt of, especially as she adjusted to being a big sister.
Recognizing this, I finally reached out for help and talked to someone about my feelings. Winter arrived, bringing with it the coldest temperatures we had seen in years. I was home on maternity leave, feeling isolated compared to my summer leave with my daughter. With everyone hunkered down to avoid the flu, I spent a lot of time alone.
As the temperatures remained frigid and gray skies loomed, I felt a heavy blanket of depression settle over me, distinct from postpartum depression, though hormones certainly did not help. Yet, my son continued to radiate happiness, providing light in my dark days. As spring approached, I began to seek help.
I attended therapy, returned to work, and embraced yoga, discovering peace through the practice. I began writing poetry and journaling, learning the importance of self-care—even amid the chaos. I emerged from the grayness into the light, cherishing my little family.
Vicki Harrison once wrote that “grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing.” This perfectly describes my experience. Some days are more challenging, but I’ve learned to live alongside my grief, acknowledging that my love for my father will always be present. It’s essential to tend to this process, especially as a mother, as it benefits not only me but my entire family.
If you’re looking for more insights on navigating parenthood and grief, check out some of our other resources, such as this blog post.
Summary:
Grieving while parenting a toddler and newborn is a complex journey filled with joy and sorrow. The author shares her experience of coping with the loss of her father while navigating the joys and challenges of new motherhood. Through therapy, self-care, and embracing the light her new son brings, she learns to reconcile her grief and the love she holds for her father.